At the weekend it became apparent that Little Red has a curved spine, thus lending us to be almost certain she has Wildervanck Syndrome and/or Cerebral Palsy.
I did what every parent does during after hours and consulted Dr Google. And then I cried. It had come at a time where I was already having a run of a few bad days. I’d been feeling overwhelmed, consumed by Post Natal Depression and, perhaps selfishly, focused on me, my life and the loneliness a day with a baby brings.
I emailed my two besties, I felt bad about that because I only ever seem to contact them about this kind of stuff lately. I confessed how I feel guilty because it was my responsibility to grow my babies and how she, in particular, keeps getting hit with everything. I couldn’t go into further detail. Fear of the unknown and visions of back braces took over for the night.
I read their thoughtful replies the following morning, and I got thinking about some words that were mentioned – bravery and strength.
I imagined myself in quiet hysterics on the day I’m told she needs a general anaesthetic for the MRI. I know all too well the anxiety I will feel the night before it happens. I’m worried about her future – immediate and long. I’m beyond terrified she will live in pain. I’m reduced to tears when I think of my concern about other kids in the playground picking on my beautiful child because she wears a back brace or has a limp. I’m fearful of the unknown. I feel like a coward who simply keeps going.
Little Red doesn’t get her strength from me, I get it from her. This tiny baby that didn’t show herself until I was close to entering my second trimester. A baby whose placenta started failing so she got the hell outta’ dodge. A baby that was smaller than her sister but didn’t need as much intervention. A baby that was given the rep as small but fiesty in NICU. A baby that giggles to herself uncontrollably and has such a cheeky smile. A baby that easily takes toys from her siblings and rolls across the room quicker than they can catch her.
My girl is happy and has an inner strength. She has true fighting spirit and with all this health stuff being thrown at her, I’m certain she’ll prove herself to be a true warrior, and on those days where I feel weak I will feed off her bravery because she clearly has enough to spare.