This was a post I didn’t think I’d be writing so soon, if at all. But, here goes…
On the First of August I noticed my sense of smell having a super human quality so for shits and giggles I decided to do a pregnancy test and it was positive. The line came up immediately and it was much darker than with Yogi. I screamed for Hubby and I couldn’t stop saying the “F” word. My first proper sentence was that I just couldn’t do this again. I was frightened, I was shocked and my body was shaking. We hadn’t been trying, we didn’t think it was possible.
What followed was a weekend of more tests each with the line getting darker. On the Monday I saw my OBGYN who prescribed me progesterone in a bid to help the pregnancy along. We did a scan but it was so early we didn’t see anything. I was requested to do a blood test on the following day and on the Thursday to check my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone that should double every two days in the early stages).
That Thursday I had a little bleed. I panicked and called Hubby who replied with “oh my god”. When I think of his reaction it sends shivers down my spine. I’d never really heard him say that before and I could hear the stress and panic coming through. I emailed my folks and they instantly called me on Skype (one of the beauties of the time difference). I cried, they talked to me and I got Little Man up and continued with our day as normally as possible.
After rushing out to do my blood test we waited at the in-laws for Hubby to get back from work. Then we waited some more but this time for my OBGYN to call.
It was 7pm before she did and she informed me that she thought I was miscarrying. My heart broke in an instant. She suggested that I continue with the progesterone but to stop it should I start to bleed again and to do a blood test on Monday where my hcg level should be around 2-300.
What followed was a weekend of crying, silent screaming, no sleep and me continually willing this little bean to fight, to be strong, to survive.
The Monday rolled around and we drove in silence to get my blood test. Then we played the waiting game again….
The doctor called and informed me my hcg level was 200 and it looked perfectly normal. She said she thought it could just be off to a slow start. I asked her out right if she thought I was miscarrying and she said no. Hubby was smiling and tears pricked his eyes. I felt a happiness I’d not really felt in a long time. Had bub heard me willing them to live? Telling them they will only need my love and that if I could fight this fight for them I would?
The next few days we were walking on air. But then, on the thirteenth, I had horrendous cramps and back ache. I went to bed early and started to bleed again. I tried to stay positive but in hindsight I think I knew what was happening. I had a really restless night due to the cramps and in the morning they had increased but localised on my left side. To be honest I was worried it was an ectopic pregnancy and in an instant I realised that having another child isn’t worth putting my life at risk when I have a beautiful baby boy next door waiting for me. I ended up calling the hospital because I was having to breathe through the cramps, that you’ve probably guessed by now were actually contractions.
The cramps eased significantly after several hours and after another blood test on the Thursday, and it not being processed in time for me to get the results on the same day, I decided to have one more night with my baby. To live the dream just one more time. But I knew.
On Friday my OBGYN called first thing to say my hcg levels had dropped and to let nature take it’s course. She mentioned testing again – which we’d only just discussed because we thought we had plenty of time before trying again – so I am to keep my appointment with her that I had booked this week.
My mind is focused on the testing and I know, like last time, it is protecting me from emotions too big to control. I have to find a reason. This is my fourth loss now, five if you count the chemical pregnancy in February and I have to believe there is a reason. I cannot begin to think about the unfairness of it all. The timing. It seems Life saw us getting back to some sort of normality after Yogi and thought she’d have a little fun with us. If I could punch Life in the face I would. If I could tell Life that she is a heartless bitch I would. If I could tell Life that she won’t break me I would, but at the moment I just can’t do any of that…