I was just planning on sharing two posts today. One I wrote recently regarding prenatal depression/mental health and one from last year that is brief but says everything I thought I would want to say.
Those that don’t know, October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month with the 15th being the Remembrance Day. I didn’t think a random day like this would mean so much to me but it has become a symbol of, well, remembrance. I find myself reflecting a lot in the month of October and as the date quietly approaches I find it looms over me as my emotions become jumbled. Grief is still very much present, so is bitterness, however this day is different because of the twins I’m carrying.
GRIEF & PREGNANCY
As you know, I’ve been feeling very disconnected from the pregnancy. I’ve found myself unable to comprehend that it was actually happening, that my body was capable of creating another healthy baby let alone two. It seems the stars aligned so that I had an anatomy scan on the 13th. Those of you that follow my Facebook page may have seen my post revealing my new excitement. For those of you that didn’t see my status update I’ve included it for you below:
I can’t explain what it was like seeing that 3D image. I mean, it was like it just hit me that the pregnancy is actually real. It’s happening, my body isn’t failing me again, they are healthy babies. It’s like it all clicked into place.
I couldn’t wait to get home to share my excitement with Hubby (who had been looking after Little Man). I excitedly called my folks and then we called my in-laws. It was so good sharing it with them, showing them the images on Skype and talking excitedly for the first time about the pregnancy without my usual hesitation and apprehension taking center stage.
Yesterday morning I woke up thinking about how, at the weekend when we were at the shops, Hubby had asked me if I had wanted to look at baby clothes and how I had replied that I couldn’t think of anything worse. How just a matter of days ago I was still in a deep denial. Instead of feeling dread I felt like I could have ran there with LM on my back. I spent the morning cleaning out a cupboard in our bookshelf and unpacking some of the baby stuff we had been keeping. Something I was so sure would be put off until the very last minute.
As I consider why this day is so vastly different from last year I can only assume it’s because I feel like there is – will be – closure. Of course the hurt is still there when I think of each of my miscarriages. The unimaginable pain we went through every single time that just seems so pointless now that this fantastic thing has happened to us so easily. How when we ask LM if he will be a big brother feels so wrong because he already is one seems to also feel right because at last this question or fact won’t surround loss anymore.
Hopefully next year we can light our special candle as a content little family of five knowing that the journey we’ve been on for so many years has made us who we are. Loving, appreciative and with a sense of fulfillment for what we do have here on earth and for the angels that have touched our lives in such a profound way.