I had a few bad days last week. One in particular was Tuesday. Hubby and I seemed to snap at each other for most of the morning and I felt an anger that didn’t seem to fit anywhere. It was totally irrational but words couldn’t do it justice.
We decided to drive to the new Costco that has just opened (grief can make you to do absurd things) but upon arriving and seeing the hordes of people waiting we decided to just come home. Admittedly I may have provoked Hubby by telling him that I felt I had been taken hostage for two hours while we drove up and down the motorway. I suppose without context this may not make sense to you – I hate driving. I am the worst passenger to have on a road trip. I get tired, sick and my legs start to ache. So yeah, at the time I did feel a bit stir crazy but still, I was also being a right grump.
When we got home I asked to be dropped at the top of the street to stretch my legs. I ended up walking around the suburb. My legs felt like jelly and I couldn’t breathe properly. I didn’t want to see anyone, I’m not sure why as no one knew I was even pregnant in my neighbourhood. I suppose I felt vulnerable. I can only describe my walk as a blurry wander trying to find my way home but not wanting to actually go there. I felt restless yet not wanting to be in public. I thought about going to sit on the swing or park bench to watch the ducks but knew I would fall apart if I got there.
When I eventually got home I started to feed Little Man his lunch and Hubby and I kept arguing. He broke the warring by giving me a hug and my hard facade broke instantly. I sobbed uncontrollably into his arms with LM looking at me blankly – probably wondering where his next mouthful was coming from.
I’d had a tension head ache all day and it eased slightly.
I asked Hubby if he wished he’d married someone else who could give him more children. Of course his answer was no.
Why am I sharing all of this? Well, I don’t really know. I suppose, again, if someone reads this and it helps to normalise their feelings then I’d be happy. I also think something in me has changed, I feel less guarded, and that this isn’t a subject to be secret about. There is (and should be) no taboo. If it makes you uncomfortable then stop reading. Horrible and unfair things happen and people get sad (plus a whole range of other emotions), it’s life, you gotta let that shiz out – just don’t aim it at people who don’t deserve it.