It’s been a shocker of a day (and as I write this I realise it’s nowhere near over). It started by rising early and playing a warped 20 questions with Little Man. A game where it’s actually only three questions on repeat twenty thousand times. Fun fun.
He either doesn’t understand how to or is completely ignoring my requests for him to turn his voice down a notch. Instead he sings so loudly it wakes his sisters up a whole hour than when they normally would get up.
I tried to sneak in a quick shower only for Oscar to do his morning deuce in the litter tray giving the bathroom a rather unique and disgusting fragrance. I naively thought my day could only get better but alas, it grew slowly worse.
My second naivety of the morning was mentally high fiving myself at having a whole ten minutes to spare before we had to leave for LM’s swim class. Naturally a double poop (where both twins simultaneously fill their nappies) had to happen to stop me from getting too big for my boots.
Upon leaving swimming LM decided to forget everything I’ve ever taught him about road safety and ran off in the car park. My shouting at him to stop made Copperhead tear up while Little Red wailed her hangry cry all the way home.
I lifted both girls over our makeshift fence so they could play in the garden while I pack muled all the bags in, but LM naturally thought it would be best to try and kick it down. Awesome. Another telling off occurred.
Then it was lunch time, which I made during repeated and desperate pleas from the boy for food. He hardly touched it before declaring he was full. Copperhead threw hers on the deck and filled her water cup with pasta and Little Red ate most of hers. I tried to get LM to eat more for at least half an hour so you can imagine my surprise when five minutes after clearing the plates away he asks “mummy can I have a sandwich?”.
I won’t bore you with afternoon but it pretty much continued like this and that all familiar feeling of doom in the pit of my stomach started again. I honestly thought my happy pills had took that symptom away but I suppose the reality is that I may just get it during days like these.
Every time I came in from the yard, I found myself looking out of the window to see if Hubby was home from work yet. I realised how much I needed a time out, feeling like I could be on the verge of a spiral again. When he did eventually arrive home the intensity of needing to escape evaporated slightly. Part of me sat there thinking that I could do this, that I could stay on the deck with my family and not need to disappear into the house for a bit. I realised that with hubby home a certain feeling had gone, it was loneliness.
It’s weird to think that with three children I’m never alone but I do get incredibly lonely.
So, I’m taking five (or twenty) for some self care in the bedroom. Writing this has helped enormously, so has cuddling Oscar, and even though I’m still exhausted my stomach has definitely settled.
Now it’s time to start dinner which I feel okay about. The spiral hasn’t happened and I do believe that the medication is helping with that. I also think speaking for up myself by saying I need a moment rather than simply trying to do it all is a huge step for me. Lastly, I’m grateful for an understanding partner who hasn’t even been asked how his day has been yet.
I better get back to it and show Hubby the same level of support.