There I said it.
It’s not like I walk around with this feeling ALL DAY. Most of the time I’m simply getting on with my life, enjoying Little Man, being content with our family of three. But then, sometimes, I see something (like a baby for example) and the desire smacks me in the face.
We still have some of LM’s old baby stuff, like his highchair and safety gates. Six months ago when I was in the belief I wouldn’t be trying again I would have sold them, but now I’ve let the old nagging thoughts creep back in. Yes, I have thought “but what if I get pregnant” many times recently.
I hate this question. It has dictated my life for so many years and the time I had without it appearing was pretty liberating. I was able to make decisions, act quickly and move on. Now I’m in limbo again. Wondering if I should hold on to everything because of “just in case”.
I know, in reality, I could just purchase the baby stuff again, I mean, I can’t hold onto the stuff forever (or can I?) but it’s the sentiment that goes with it. To be honest I’m surprised I managed to sell his basinette without too much thought. Thanks grief.
I think part of my longing also stems from the fact Little Man would make an excellent sibling. He’s the most affectionate and compassionate boy, I could just imagine him taking care of a baby brother or sister. Maybe I want to experience the magical time of being heavily pregnant again. I spent so much of LM’s pregnancy in a state of anxiety I didn’t really get any photos, I didn’t really allow myself to enjoy it too much for fear it could be taken away, I didn’t really embrace it.
Maybe I want it so much because it’s hard for me? Maybe it’s because I love babies and all the special things that they do. Maybe it’s because of my losses and the fact there is a constant hole there. Maybe it’s because LM is growing up so fast.
Or maybe it’s just because I want another baby and there is nothing wrong with that.
Until next time,