Sometimes we’re unintentionally taken off guard, reminded of a painful yet special period of our life. It could be a song, a photo or a place that so easily awakens a certain part of us. Yesterday this happened for me, when a particular photo came up as a Facebook memory. (For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s basically a photo that you’ve previously uploaded that flashes up when you log on).
Initially I was taken by the nostalgic and warm fuzzy feelings that it invoked. Then I looked at the date, June 2014.
I recalled how we spent A LOT of time at the beach that Australian winter. We were grieving due to another pregnancy loss and it was a comforting place for us. I discovered I was pregnant with our baby, who we had nick-named Yogi, in the April and in May we had gone on a trip to New Zealand. It was a promising time, for a while.
The loss hit us hard. Really fudging hard.
MEMORY OF MISCARRIAGE
There are so many emotions when a miscarriage occurs. This wasn’t our first, it wasn’t even our second. We were somewhat schooled in the art of how to handle it, if you could even say that. Which, actually, I don’t think you can because there is no guidebook to the epic grief surrounding pregnancy loss. Either way we didn’t handle this particular one well.
Hubby and I had two weeks off from work, and I have to say that it was a special time. It was a weird experience, kinda’ magical if I’m honest. We were very much in our own bubble and priorities became extremely clear. I appreciated EVERYTHING and with that also came guilt.
THE RAWNESS OF LONGING
Managing your grief can be such a juggling act when you have an existing child. I felt guilty and like I was being ungrateful because I longed for another baby. All the while I had a healthy, happy and contented little boy who I loved dearly. Wasn’t he enough? Wasn’t this gorgeous life we had together enough?
I struggled for a long time with that particular longing. It created additional emotions like envy, anger, sadness, a feeling of greed and the ever present guilt that I just couldn’t stop the wanting. It’s a natural thing though, isn’t it? To desire another child, even if it’s a sibling for your existing little one. I constantly thought about how I’d been told I was pretty much infertile but then when a complete miracle happened by carrying Little Man to term I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I could do it again. However, shaking the idea that I was pushing it by asking for more children was near to impossible.
Now when I look back I think that’s a pretty sad way to feel. It’s okay to want a first, second or a third child. It doesn’t make you greedy to desire a bigger family. It is far from being an unreasonable wish.
I’m fortunate enough to be able to say that my story ended in the most phenomenal way. But the road to closure didn’t take a miraculous turn here though, in fact it got a lot worse before it got better. But it’s our journey and I guess it could be seen as a bit weird to say that I’m not sure whether I’d change any of it.