Recently The Mothership said that she was worried about me after reading my blog. Now, as sweet as this was I felt terrible that I was the cause of such concern. I think it’s important to actually put the record straight about some things.
For the most part, this is a therapeutic blog for me and while some posts can be quite light and humorous, the darker ones simply help me work through whatever it is I’m feeling (oh feelings how I hate thee). Sometimes it is so much like a therapy session and a great way for me to release some hurt, pain or grief. Since I’m currently not in any actual therapy I find I dump all the kind of things I probably should talk to a professional about on here instead (makes great reading, right?). However, it doesn’t mean that it is my world or how I am every single moment of the day. I function. I go to the gym. I go the park every day with Little Man and I see my friends. Even though I sometimes write a certain way, I am not alone wallowing in self-pity or misery in a darkened corner with my laptop.
I write about what I want/need to and, at times, it can be about my losses, my situation and my grief surrounding it all. In real life I don’t consider myself to be a selfish person, but my blog allows me to be just that for a short time. I can offload in a way that I wouldn’t want to continually burden my family or friends with and, in turn, I feel much healthier for it. Not to give the impression that I don’t talk to family and friends about stuff, because I do, and they have been great sources of unwavering support in ways I could never thank them enough for. But sometimes I can’t always verbally articulate what’s actually going on in my head and heart and it regularly takes an hour or so of writing before I even begin to figure it out.
Which leads me to this… I still have serious doubts about whether I should put this kind of shit up on the internet because I’m actually a pretty private person but my primary goal in life is always to help people. Even if one person can relate to me or feel supported and slightly better about what they’re going through then it’s worth the potential embarrassment of being so open about certain things.
I really appreciate all the messages I’ve ever received regarding some of my darker times, they mean more to me then you’ll ever know, but rest assured that most days I’m actually doing okay.
Until next time,