A while ago Hubby and I had an argument. It was unexpected and emotional but it cleared the air and we were in desperate need of that. The Hubster isn’t really the loud confrontational type. He can hold his ground, don’t get me wrong, but I guess I’d be called the firey one in our relationship.
I like to get everything out in the open and I’m not afraid of saying what I see. Seething isn’t really my style nor is holding a grudge. However, one particular thing had kind of been on my mind from a few days before and ultimately my voicing it was the thing that ended the fight.
Don’t assume I’m having a bad day, just because I’m having a bad moment.”
SUNNY SIDE DOWN
It’s true that Hubby had been living on a knife edge for the better part of a year. He confided that it’d gotten to the point where he was walking on egg shells for most of the time. While I’m not diminishing his feelings I had to say that I didn’t think that was all down to my current behaviours. I think some of it was anticipatory feelings and the reality was that nothing that he was fearing was actually going to happen.
However, I think dealing with mental health, and especially when someone is suicidal, will undoubtedly leave you feeling that way. Fear had a hold of both of us but in different ways. The sick person in me didn’t want to take responsibility for that. As the logical Katie that I am, I knew I had to.
I think Hubby had become so used to my bad days that even me voicing anything negative drove the fear that I wasn’t going to be able to cope. That I was inevitably going to have a “bad day”.
WHAT IS ENOUGH?
Take the incident that had bothered me as an example. I’d been up most of the night with different children equating to around three hours sleep. Hubby asked me what was wrong and I replied that I was tired. He kept asking me what else was wrong until I got annoyed and snapped at him that I WAS JUST TIRED. Later I asked him, wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t three hours sleep with a whole day of childcare ahead of me ENOUGH? It doesn’t always have to be Post Natal Depression making me a bit quiet. He doesn’t always have to worry if I’m suicidal because I’m not as chirpy as the birds outside our kitchen window.
I explained that if I am going to get better we have to stop tagging every little thing with PND. If he keeps telling me that I’m having a bad day then I’m going to have a bad day. We need to start separating the two. I can be momentarily annoyed that he doesn’t rinse the dishes and simply leave it at that. He doesn’t have to try and counsel me to ensure I’ll survive the day.
I feared that the fallout of PND would last long after I became better. I often worried that I won’t ever get this time back with my kids but I’d not really considered my relationship. I just naively assumed it would settle and continue on. It’s really important we acknowledge that mental health not only changes the person who is sick, it also has a profound affect on those around them. The truth is, Hubby needed support just as much as I did.