So, as you know, the past few weeks have been particularly difficult. I’ve noticed inanimate objects ganging up on me by not working, throwing themselves out of my hands and/or generally refusing to play ball. Sometimes you really need a win and my win is getting through the day without feeling like salt is being rubbed into the wound.
Cue me blogging and upon seeing that I’m close to my media limit decided to delete some photos. For some reason there is no warning that it would delete the pictures from my posts and so I happily got rid of months worth. Hence the reason my blog isn’t looking as pretty as normal. For some reason this didn’t even occur to me as I got my OCD on and clicked away, permanently getting rid of my precious memories.
To say I took this realisation hard is an understatement. I felt like crying. My heart started pumping away. I just couldn’t take another loss, another hit, another reason to feel inadequate, a failure.
I shut off the computer and consciously made an effort to ignore what I’d done. It wasn’t until I was talking to Hubby later that evening when I voiced how much of an idiot I felt and that I just couldn’t believe another thing had gone wrong that I considered my overreaction. Again, I decided to completely shut it out of my mind and simply go to bed without fixating on the fact I’ll have to rework all my posts, knowing this isn’t how I’d normally react. Yes I’d be annoyed and make WordPress my nemesis but it wouldn’t reduce me to tears or have such a hit on my confidence.
I woke up the next morning feeling better about the whole thing. Like I had more energy to face re-adding the photos and choosing to accept the fact that at least I’d learnt something and that I get to see my pictures again.
Sounds silly doesn’t it? How losing some photos from my blog – not even my hard-drive – could sap my strength away.
Grief will do that but I’m feeling stronger, day by day, especially after writing this post and choosing to go one way over another. I’m not a victim and I refuse to think like one. The world is not against me and I’m
95% 90% certain WordPress isn’t either. I’m not going to tell myself to snap out of these feelings because I know where they’re coming from and I need to feel them otherwise I’ll feel nothing. Having an emotion is a step forward, it means I’m not trapped in the state of denial that holds me in the weeks after losing a baby. I try to always see the positive after focusing on the negative, even if it’s only a small portion of the overall experience.
After all, there is no guide book to getting through this…
Until next time,