The hardest part about having a newborn has to be the sleep deprevation. I don’t know anyone that does or would enjoy this part of the experience.
Most nights I feel mentally and physically drained. The twins are still feeding three hourly and to say we are getting burnt out is an understatement. They can take up to an hour to feed and get back down, sometimes longer if nappy changes and vomiting is involved. By the time we get back in bed we might get an hour at most before it starts all over again. Sometimes Little Man gets in on the action too and this just makes a hard night even harder.
Fen is the more fussy sleeper so she often cries and takes multiple goes to get her off to sleep at bedtime. A few nights ago I had no choice but to simply let her cry herself to sleep. I was busy getting a sick Little Man off to bed while also simultaneously bouncing Naomi in her activity chair. Even if I wasn’t preoccupied with two other children I don’t think I could have gone in the bedroom. It had been a day filled with crying, screaming, clingy babies and I was on the verge of tears when Hubby arrived home.
Obviously once the madness had died down I Dr Googled and read all about how wrong crying out is and that it’s developmentally evil for a growing child. How Fen would now probably be severely detached from me and have major trust issues. How in one night I had ruined my daughter. The Mum Guilt was huge and pushed me over the edge and I went into the Crap Mum Shame Spiral.
As Hubby calmed me and said how I couldn’t have done anything else I knew in my heart he was right but I just kept thinking how I’d abandoned her in her moment of need. It took me the night to get rid of those feelings of inadequacy and to realise that sometimes I am literally just trying to keep my shit together – and that’s okay. We have no family and only new friends in Newcastle so Hubby and I rely heavily on each other. Some days it goes really well but other times I do feel like doing the loudest scream and/or locking myself in the bedroom because I need a minute.
The seemingly constant quest to please everyone is exhausting and sometimes I find myself wishing away a few years for the light of independence. But I always think to myself how, in twenty years, I’ll miss it. I’ll miss making apple chippies and getting tap juice for Little Man. We’ll reminisce about how hard our nights were and wonder how we did it. I’ll long for the 3am snuggles I had with a babe while watching The Walking Dead or Mad Men. I’ll miss the noise and the joy of milestones.
These thoughts are what keep me as sane as I could ever hope to be while surviving on three hours a night. The fact it’ll be over too quickly is what makes the gratitude reappear during the difficult moments.
I need to regularly remind myself of how I’ll miss all this when I’m old and grey otherwise I honestly wouldn’t make it through some days… Sure will be nice to get those eight hours at night back though. K x