Thank you so much for the support following my recent post. Sexual assault and harassment are subjects I never thought I would address on my blog, at least on a personal level. However, I always felt like I had a secret, a secret that I never shared. Secrets that have shaped who I am today. Secrets that explain certain ideas, beliefs and behaviours that might make more sense to you now.
When I was about twenty, I hit a real low point. I’d spent years being angry, still trapped in my own silence. One of the most crushing things for me to acknowledge, was the feeling that I was a statistic. A statistical victim, if you will. I always thought there was safety in numbers, until I realised that I was one. A lonely one making up millions.
When something happens to you in your childhood, you never seem to be able to feel safe, loved, wanted or even liked. Paranoia became my friend and I couldn’t accept that any boy would ever truly like me for me. Bar my first boyfriend, whom I split with after a few years together when I was eighteen or nineteen, I NEVER let another guy in on an emotional level. I pushed some good ones away, or came on too heavy with the wrong ones. I couldn’t find that balance within myself, until I met Hubby.
I jumped at the chance to visit Australia with him, to temporarily move away from my home town that still continues to haunt me. I’m not sure how I’d feel going back, even for a visit. A mixture of excitement and anxiety most probably. Undoubtedly I may feel triggered, but I also wonder if it would help to face my demons too. After all, I survived living in that place, so why should the negative memories of it have any hold over me?
Don’t get me wrong, I have many wonderful memories too. Yet, without a doubt, the happiest I’ve ever been is with my life here, in Australia. Michael has never shied away from anything I’ve confided in him. He’s been the ultimate protector, just like a lion to his lioness. This encompasses our cubs too and I’m truly thankful that he is more than the wonderful father I always knew he would be. More than once I’ve told Hubby that I feel like he saved me, even if it was just from myself.
Since leaving the UK, I’ve managed to educate myself with multiple qualifications and worked in jobs I never thought I could have. Along with a loving mate, I have beautiful children and a happy, inviting home. I’m the person I always wanted to be, with a partner who loves me for me. A certain self-assurance – not arrogance, I hasten to add – comes with all of that. It’s called grateful contentedness. My past will always be there, and I’m no longer ashamed. Still, nearly everyday I try not to let certain aspects of it affect my present.