As a young teen I enjoyed art, painting and aspired to do this plus more. I was easily influenced in favour of getting “a real job” and so the focus shifted to just that. My priorities were about earning money and even though I did enjoy a few of my more recent jobs it just seemed at odds with who I really was. Years later I find myself coming back to creating and, somewhat begrudgingly, embracing this part of myself.
I’m racked with self-doubt. Am I really good enough? Should this just be a hobby? My five year plan has been derailed. My previous professional ambitions have fallen by the wayside. I feel like I’m doing a full circle and it’s scary.
I’m aware that my identity is changing. I’ve been in a strange place for a few years now. The decision to stop trying for another baby can only be described as relieved heartbreak. But who am I without the “baby and infertility” stuff? My identity has been wrapped up in that for so long I feel like I’m rediscovering who I am, what my interests are, what makes me truly happy.
I’m lucky enough to be in a position where I don’t necessarily need to work, obviously it’d be nice for the extra cash but we’re not living on beans and toast so we’re happy plodding along as we are. Initially I struggled with being unemployed as I’ve never not worked but then I realised it’s a great opportunity to do what I always dreamed of. This is my time to study – or not study – whatever I want to do. To answer to no one (except Little Man). Why have I been so wrapped up in rushing to the next stage in my life, focusing on career ambitions I know I may not want? Why haven’t I been able to slow down and enjoy this time with my son?
I don’t know the answers, all I know is that the fog has lifted and calm is finally here. My mind feels bright again, my outlook is positive. I want to enjoy the good fortune of being a stay at home mum as this is what we worked so hard for in the time leading up to it. I’d like to be confident in this new role without a job or the baby stuff defining who I am. I’d like to be at peace with, who I have and, who I am becoming.
I would like to say goodbye to negative thoughts, goodbye to doubting my decisions, goodbye shoula woulda coulda. Hello camera, hello canvas, hello paint under my fingernails, I’m so pleased to meet you again. I can’t wait to introduce you to my son, he’s going to love you.
Until next time,