I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I write this blog. About why connecting with other infertility and pregnancy loss writers is so important to me and my mental health. You see, it’s nothing against people that haven’t experienced it as I have received more support than I ever could have hoped for, but there is an unspoken comfort that can be found in the community.
Even though I had another blog during my initial losses before Little Man I never wrote about them. I was ashamed, I was vulnerable and to be honest I didn’t really know if I’d find comfort in putting myself out there. I’m not too sure how I even fell into the community this year, I can’t remember how it started or how I found the blogs I now loyally follow. All I know is that I had to write.
I had to get it out, like verbal diarrhea only with typing. I had to cry over my laptop, I had to release this immense, intense and all-consuming hurt so that it wouldn’t take me down, I had to seek help.
Thankfully I found it. I was immediately accepted – I’m not even sure if that’s the right word. I guess I want to say I felt normal. I didn’t have to hide my grief, I didn’t have to downplay my loss, I could speak openly about it and this has somehow transpired into my “real” life. I get the feeling this is the same for these types of other bloggers too, we simply need to write in order to let it out. It’s a safe place to share honestly, without judgement and to be met with a gentle and unspoken understanding.
I have a new confidence with talking about pregnancy loss and infertility these days. A topic I considered so private I now feel a bit like an advocate. It’s astonishing the private messages I’ve received from people in their own battles who have been brave enough to confide in me, I wonder if their parents, friends or colleagues know about the hurt and secret worry they’re carrying around.
I suppose I want to say thanks. Thanks to my real life family and friends for listening to me and for being brave enough to say “I just don’t know what to do to make it better”. Thanks to my online blogging friends who continually support me even though I’ve been a little MIA lately (no pun intended) and thanks to my readers for actually being along with me on this journey. You’ve all seen me at my worst on this blog, I’ve shared some big things that I never thought I would and you continue to stick by me. I am truly appreciative of that.
It’s probably saved my sanity a few times over.