I am a very honest person. In fact I used to be so brutally blunt I’d put a toddler to shame. Over the years it has softened, I’ve become more tactful but I still rate honesty in a person very highly. I don’t do liars and have very little time for people who are one.

The reason I tell you this is because lately I have been lying. However, it wasn’t my fault, society made me do it. Let me give you some examples…

One

The Monday I had to have my blood test to confirm if the hcg level had dropped I looked like some kind of drug addict. I had barely slept twelve hours in nearly three days, along with the massive bags under my eyes I had track marks on my arms due to the numerous blood tests I’d had and an air of “dead-eye” about me. As I sat and waited a lovely senior came and sat next to me, smiled cheerfully and said “lovely morning isn’t it?”. What I wanted to say was “no, this is one of the worst days of my life after the most horrendous weekend I could ever experience and my baby might not live”. What I actually said was “isn’t it? They say it’s going to rain though”.

Two

I visited my good friend a few days after knowing about my loss, she knows about my situation in full, and her sister visited at the same time. A lovely woman who was extremely friendly and easy to talk to. In small talk she asked me “would you like any more kids?”. I thought I felt my friend tense up slightly and it would have been the perfect moment for tumbleweed to appear. I wanted to say “YES, yes, a million times yes. With all my heart and soul I want a football team of children”. Instead I forced a small smile and said “maybe, one day”.

Three

Calling to reschedule my doctors appointment and upon introducing myself the receptionist responded with “hi Katie, how you going?”. I don’t really know what I wanted to say but it wasn’t “I’m okay thanks, and you?”.

This makes me feel a bit like the cowardly lion. I know wholeheartedly that it would be unfair of me to put my stuff onto these people that I don’t really know but a part of me feels like I should be honest and don’t ask the question if you don’t want the answer. But then, people are looking for a certain answer and it’s not one about such a sensitive subject. I know this way of thinking is coming out of grief. I can’t yell at Life for doing this to us again so I want to yell at the senior citizen for being so happy to see the sun and for daring to engage me in small talk. I want to openly cry in front of my friend’s sister and for her to tell me it will be okay. I want the receptionist to counsel me for an hour.

I try to be aware that everyone always has something going on in their life. I try to be careful about my questioning but I know I’ve done it too without thinking. I wonder if I would be prepared for the honest answer. I’d like to think with everything we’ve been through these past five years that I could be compassionate enough to hear the truth and offer an ear. Maybe I think that sadness can be such a lonely road to travel and a simple, light-hearted question can make you sob several hours after it has been asked.

Yes, honesty is a funny thing. Grief isn’t though.

Until next time,

Katie

16 comments

  1. I wanted to leave you a massive virtual hug. I have been there too many times =( In all of this, please to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, to let yourself to actually say what you need to to people sometimes – it’s surprising the number of people who’ll understand – who’ve been there and never felt able to say so out loud and at some level just that by itself helps a bit. It never gets better, but it does get less intense. I have my fingers crossed for you, but in the meantime cuddle your little guy and please – talk xox. (I am currently on officially my 8th pregnancy, and the real number is somewhere well over 12 – with two gorgeous bubs – we stopped counting because it hurt too much)

    1. Thanks Cat. I am so sorry about your losses and horrid journey too. It’s surprising the number of people who private message me about their own issues so I think it is something that touches many but who feel that it’s too hard to talk about openly. Thanks again for your kind words and courageous sharing (((hug)))

  2. This is a beautiful post that I can so relate to – I am well known for my brutal honesty and it has and will likely continue to get me in trouble. Its so difficult at times to balance our heartache and emotions with proper social behaviour and expectations. It’s on of my biggest issues with people asking us about our family plans – I wish I could just say to people, if you aren’t prepared for the real answer, then please do not ask!! (although, I doubt I’d say it very calmly)

    1. Thank you 🙂 I really like that “balance our heartache and emotions with proper social behaviour and expectations”. Spot on! That’s why I like our community, there is no need to hide away and as difficult as it is we can wear our pain on our face. Logically I know no one is expecting me to hide but I feel I must carry on in a certain way. What I actually do and what advice I would give to people are complete opposites!! If that makes sense? x

  3. I have got more honest as the years have gone by, my Husband used to be embarrassed when I would stop people in the street and tell them I loved their handbag and asked where they got it – he is used to it now haha.
    When my day is sh*t I generally say, “I still here, how are you?” so I switch the attention to them haha.

    1. Yeah that’s a good strategy! I like it 🙂 I always compliment people if they have something on that I like. It’s the best feeling when someone does it to you. I also embarrass my Hubby all the time but I said he knew the quirky stuff about me when we married so get over it!!

  4. Giving people the answer you think they want to hear rather that what you feel like saying because your hurting is not (dis honest) it just means you are a polite and considerate person.

  5. Sending you a huge hug hon. I know too well how you feel. I never know what to say in those situations either. I usually lie too, though occasionally, I have told the truth, and it’s gone one of two ways, the person is either very compassionate and in some cases even has a similar story to share with me, or it just makes the other person uncomfortable. The good news about the latter reaction is they usually don’t ask anymore questions 🙂 Hugs hon. Thinking about you <3

    1. Lol, yeah I guess them not continuing to ask is a bonus. I think I wanted to write a big post about society but it didn’t turn out that way. I guess grief makes you feel all kind of confusing things and this is what I focused on for that particular day. Almost like switching the cause of my anguish. Thanks Jo, you take care with your precious cargo. I look forward to more updates x

  6. I think we all do this to some extent, and the posts I have read on FB are ones that I wholeheartedly agree with, you are exceptionally special and mean the world to many of us. Xxx

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