Yesterday I had my very first scan and I’m so pleased and relieved to tell you that my OBGYN found a heartbeat straight away. She reckons I’m six weeks along so my calculations are right.

I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t nervous before the appointment, that I didn’t have a sleepless night or want to vomit on the doctors shoes when I entered her office. But, a strange calm did wash over me once I was in there and we got chatting. I figured that she has already said the worst things she could ever say to me so living through the nightmares of previous losses did provide me with a certain strength.

I’m aware that the next two weeks are crunch time, that finding a heartbeat is really positive but that I’m still not out of the woods yet. If I can get past eight weeks I’ll feel more confident but no doubt the goal post will continue to move. Eight weeks, ten weeks, twelve weeks, sixteen… and so on. I’m still scared, I won’t talk to Little Man about it until I start to show and it becomes unavoidable and even then I’ll probably be pretty reserved about the whole thing – just like I was with his pregnancy. Does this hinder the bonding process? Maybe. But it’s a necessary self-preservation.

I still feel a little detached, maybe a bit in shock or in denial still. I strongly believe everything will be fine with this pregnancy because it just feels so different. The symptoms are strong, Oscar follows me around everywhere like a bad smell and, well, it just has to be, doesn’t it?

It feels weird to be writing an update on here because I also feel oddly private about it all too, but I wanted to let you all know that I’m – we’re – okay.

I’m also aware that this topic may be somewhat painful to a portion of my readers, and for that I can only say that my thoughts are with you. Pregnancy announcements can be a double edged sword and you can feel genuinely happy for the person, yet sad for yourself at the same time. I don’t plan on turning this blog into a blow-by-blow account of my pregnancy but I do want to talk about pregnancy after loss at some point too. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but I wanted to say that I get it, the jumble of emotions, and it’s okay.

Thanks for reading and I hope to resume my usual Mon/Weds/Fri posting as of next week.

Until next time,

Katie

10 comments

  1. I’m so happy for you! I’ve been very anxious and haven’t felt like blogging recently but I hope to get back into it soon! We had our first ultrasound yesterday too and our baby also has a heartbeat, I’ve never seen the heartbeat before and it was a massive relief. Won’t be able to relax at all until after another scan post 9 weeks but all going good πŸ™‚ I’m 7&1 so we are pretty close together xx

    1. Wow – yay for two heartbeats πŸ˜€ We are so close together, I think I’m 6+1 so we’d be a week apart. That’s pretty cool!! It’s nice to know someone is going through it at the same time, no doubt we’ll be writing similar posts about fear and relief! Lol x

  2. I’m so happy for you!! They say a heartbeat is a great sign! You used the words detached and/or denial, but I like to think that maybe you are just calm and zen right now because everything is feeling so different in such a good way, and that’s pretty awesome! That said, whatever the cause I’m just glad you aren’t stressing out like crazy. Wishing you more days of zen. πŸ™‚

    1. Lol… I like the re-frame. Yes, lets say calm and zen. I just think that we went through the most unimaginable pain last year so, having survived that, it kind of puts everything into perspective. I know I have little to no control over this beginning bit except trying to be healthy and following the doctors advice, it kinda does take the responsibility and therefore the stress away too. Here’s hoping the feeling continues πŸ˜‰

  3. Congratulations!! I can relate to this post so much. I know it’s hard to let yourself get excited because once you’ve had a loss, it is never the same. I will be praying for your little one daily that he/she continues to thrive!

  4. Great news about seeing heartbeat! So happy for you. Yes lots of little goals to reach and I am looking forward to hearing about you reach each one. x

  5. How exciting! Yay for heartbeat, that is amazing news. I am deliriously happy for you.
    I know what you mean about the milestones and I bet you wish they had all passed, but there is nothing you can do at the moment (just like you said in a comment above) so I pass on Dory’s advice “just keep swimming”. Hmm on second thought be careful about that up in your neck of the woods, you don’t want to go wrestling a croc hahaha.
    I hope you do post some pregnancy updates because personally I totally want to see them and I am one of those ladies that are still waiting so I say it is totally okay to post away hahaha.

    1. So sorry for my late reply, I must have missed this message. My bad! Thank you so much for your sweet words (as always). OMG, I love Nemo, that bit with the tuna fish at the end when they pull the net down – tears, every time! Lol, I will post some updates but I guess I’ll wait until I’m excited and a bit more confident about it all πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply