Yesterday I had my very first scan and I’m so pleased and relieved to tell you that my OBGYN found a heartbeat straight away. She reckons I’m six weeks along so my calculations are right.
I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t nervous before the appointment, that I didn’t have a sleepless night or want to vomit on the doctors shoes when I entered her office. But, a strange calm did wash over me once I was in there and we got chatting. I figured that she has already said the worst things she could ever say to me so living through the nightmares of previous losses did provide me with a certain strength.
I’m aware that the next two weeks are crunch time, that finding a heartbeat is really positive but that I’m still not out of the woods yet. If I can get past eight weeks I’ll feel more confident but no doubt the goal post will continue to move. Eight weeks, ten weeks, twelve weeks, sixteen… and so on. I’m still scared, I won’t talk to Little Man about it until I start to show and it becomes unavoidable and even then I’ll probably be pretty reserved about the whole thing – just like I was with his pregnancy. Does this hinder the bonding process? Maybe. But it’s a necessary self-preservation.
I still feel a little detached, maybe a bit in shock or in denial still. I strongly believe everything will be fine with this pregnancy because it just feels so different. The symptoms are strong, Oscar follows me around everywhere like a bad smell and, well, it just has to be, doesn’t it?
It feels weird to be writing an update on here because I also feel oddly private about it all too, but I wanted to let you all know that I’m – we’re – okay.
I’m also aware that this topic may be somewhat painful to a portion of my readers, and for that I can only say that my thoughts are with you. Pregnancy announcements can be a double edged sword and you can feel genuinely happy for the person, yet sad for yourself at the same time. I don’t plan on turning this blog into a blow-by-blow account of my pregnancy but I do want to talk about pregnancy after loss at some point too. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but I wanted to say that I get it, the jumble of emotions, and it’s okay.
Thanks for reading and I hope to resume my usual Mon/Weds/Fri posting as of next week.
Until next time,