So, it appears my positive thinking has caught up with me and this weekend all the negative thinking kind of came to a head. Happy Father’s Day by the way Darling…

I’ve been feeling pretty unmotivated to do anything. Including blog, study, using my camera – anything that required some thinking basically. Contrary to this I’ve also been really busy with Little Man including numerous play dates, play group, park visits and of course, our two sets of hourly walking per day.

I was feeling pretty exhausted which I put down to LM not sleeping as well as he normally does and also because I’m still experiencing the physical aspects of losing Peanut. I now realise it was actually due to spending a lot of energy keeping my strong emotions at bay. I’ve had a lot of misplaced anger which was also getting me down because it isn’t like me to be snappy at my parents, Hubby or LM. Especially not with LM.

Anyway, I was out walking on Saturday morning when it all came a bit much and as LM watched the ducks I tried desperately to keep my composure in a public setting. I wrote this poem really quickly in my email…

I feel down
I feel sad
I feel unmotivated
I feel mad

I feel angry
Like I’m in a cage
I feel hurt
So full of rage

I have no goal
This feels bad
I have no aim
Except for what I’ve had

I want to cry
But my face stays dry
Even this poem is crappy
Please, please let me return to being happy

Writing the words down made it all so much more real, which in turn made me cry.. in public. Luckily Saturdays are pretty slow and sleepy in our village so I managed to make it home without being seen and LM being wise to what was happening. Admittedly the poem isn’t going to win any awards but it sums up perfectly what was going on in my head.

Hubby and I have had some pretty powerful heart to hearts this weekend and I slept so well after it all. I voiced how angry I was about Peanut. How my lack of motivation to do anything scares me (since it is most unlike me) and for the first time ever I voiced about how the invasive medical exams, the hormone changing treatment and the horrendous physical pain of a miscarriage has caused me – and only me. For so long I have combined the two of us in the whole experience but it felt empowering to say that this can be just about me. About how our hurt is different in that I have the physical aspect too. Voicing it instead of downplaying that part simply because it has been going on for so long and become the norm was hard to do but ultimately I needed to say it.

Anyway, I feel slightly more on track and have actually been thinking of a post about suburban etiquette seen as I’ve been caught out making weird eye contact with a few people as they get out of bed in the early morning still in their birthday suit. I think I’ll save that for another day though…

Until next time,
Katie

4 comments

  1. Thinking of you. When I get upset with myself about not being motivated or productive enough, my therapist tells me that grieving in a way is like when we have the flu – we can try and do what we can, but we may not be able to everything we normally do. We may need more rest, self care, nourishment, etc., and that’s ok. So glad you and hubby are talking and you’re able to voice what you need to. Big hug <3

    1. Thanks hon. I really like that analogy. It is a lot like that and I know I have to be kinder on myself. I’ve just been go, go, go trying to carry on as normal rather than let it be what it has to be. I really feel like I need a good rest – not sleep – just rest, so your message is a perfect reminder for that. Thanks 🙂 Big hugs back at you Sweets x

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