As you know, I had my big scan on Friday and the sonographer (K) instantly said “yep, twins in there”. It was such a blink and miss it moment I asked her if she was sure and K showed us on the monitor more slowly. I asked her if they both were “okay” and when she replied yes they both have heartbeats I burst into tears. I couldn’t believe it. Two!

K tried to determine if they are identical as she could only really make out one yolk sac (which eventually becomes the placenta) but it looks like Twin B takes after Hubby in the silly department and seems to have it squashed over it’s head.

They are both in different sacks which is good – apparently – with Twin A measuring (at the time) 9 weeks 1 day and Twin B measuring 8 weeks 3 days.

I updated my Facebook page almost immediately so apologies for those of you that have been left hanging. I find it difficult to get on my laptop some days so this is the first chance I’ve had to jump on the blog.

Anyway, after the initial excitement wore off throughout the day, the impracticalities of twins started to sink in and I became quite panicked. The additional risk involved with multiples has me anxious and I just haven’t been able to allow myself to believe I can carry two. I feel detached from them still, afraid to bond, to have hope, to envision my future with them.

I suppose, I also feel a little bitter about there being two due to the extra risks and possibilities of various things going wrong. After everything we’ve been through, being pregnant with one would leave me anxious enough but with two, well, I’m convinced something will happen because just look at our track record.

I’m finding it hard to be positive. To not assume the worst. Some of you may be surprised and indeed disgusted to learn that I have told Hubby and various close friends that I just don’t want them. I don’t want twins. I don’t want to be pregnant. I just can’t do this.

As I admit this deeply personal confession tears fill my eyes and I begin to cry. I cannot believe I have blurted out these words aloud… to people who know me and are so so happy for me. Hubby looked at me in disbelief when I first said it and I can understand why. I never thought I could ever say that I don’t want my babies but I just don’t believe I will get them. With one I have a chance, but two? WTF. There are so many things that can go wrong and I just can’t get through the haze of the negative thoughts to focus on all the things that can go right.

Interestingly, as I re-read the above paragraph I felt myself become oddly protective of them. Maybe it’s just taking me a while to become the mother-bear and it’s happening slowly but surely.

I’m hoping once we move it’ll all become more calm. When I know what our new house will look like and who my new OBGYN will be. When I’m assured the level of care I’ll receive will be as good as what I have with Kirsten (my current OBGYN) and that things are progressing as they should be.

It just all feels so overwhelming with no way out. I have to keep going, to see it through but I just feel so desperately scared.

Until next time,

Katie

ADDITIONAL: While I know the internet can be a harsh place and people naturally judge I still wanted to share my private thoughts because I know that out there, someone will read this and feel comforted because they feel the same way. Grief, loss and pregnancy are entwined for me and unfortunately they do make things a little interesting on the mental health front. Whilst I fully expect some people will not understand the reasoning behind my “confession” in this post I hope most of my regular readers, friends and family will appreciate my honesty and have an understanding about my fears. I 100% believe that pregnancy after loss, or pregnancy in general, is not all sunshine and farts and that many have a hard time with it. Believing my body is capable of carrying healthy twins is my current struggle whether you think it’s justified or not. I hate to think that last sentence comes off as major defensive but I just wanted to put it out there and to make my feelings perfectly clear on the matter. Thanks for reading, K x

10 comments

  1. I suspect you feel deep down it’s not twins that you don’t want – it’s the deeply-ingrained fear, sadness and grief that you have had to face before, that you don’t want to experience ever again. That flicker of hope, of joy, of what might be, has eluded you too many times for it not to affect you. Protecting yourself from those feelings is a normal part of that. You are a natural mum, anyone can see that Little Man completes your world and I do hope that with each day that passes, your fears may diminish. Your heart has broken many times, I hope that these coming months may heal it again. X

    1. You’ve got it perfectly – and articulated it better than I ever could! I think these feelings of not wanting to be pregnant and to simply go back to being a family of three is because I’m scared of another loss. I feel like we just got in a really good place and we’ve been thrown a curve ball again. However, I feel a lot more positive since writing this post. I needed to get it out and have a big cry and now I’m starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright. I suppose time will tell and I can only do my part by trying to be healthy and looking after myself. Thanks so much for your lovely and insightful words x

  2. I agree with dougdownunder, it’s a safety mechanism to protect yourself from the distress you know only too well. As time goes on the bonding will occur. It would be weird if you weren’t alarmed by the practicalities of having twins. Remember your strengths Katie….organised, routine, healthy, and the love you have inside you for your babies past and present. Xxx

    1. Thanks Mum. It is definitely a protective thing and it’s taken me a few weeks to understand that – sometimes it just takes a meltdown and a big blog post to figure it all out! I’ve heard twins just occupy each other so maybe it’ll be easier than a single baby!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. I know pregnancy is challenging, and twins are pretty daunting. I think you just need to give yourself time to feel what you need to and I really do think that with time you will bond more and you will become excited. Wishing you the best.

    1. Thanks for that ๐Ÿ™‚ I think I just had to get over the initial shock, confront the potential additional risks, let my fears out in the form of a big cry (and blog post) and get back to a good place. Ever since I wrote this post I’ve been feeling so much better, dare I say a little excited. I just need to get to 35-36 weeks, that’s my goal. Everything else will fall into place.

  4. I know exactly what you mean. If I found out I was having twins I’d be terrified because of all the risks that go with it. Is is really, really scary. But you can do it! You can! I’ve been working with a fertility coach, which is different than a therapist as it’s really specific. Anyway, one of the things I did with her was to compose a bunch of “releasing statements.” This is basically listing out your fears, and then telling yourself in a very specific way to release them. Then you tell yourself that you’re going to believe such and such positive thing instead. It sounds simple, but it has been helping me SO much. Maybe you could try some version of that?

    1. That sounds great. Almost like confronting the fears and letting them go.

      I’m just trying to stay positive, not Google, have my list of questions for my OBGYN etc. I seem to have early miscarriages so I’m hoping, since I got past my usual stage, that everything will progress ok. I’m a little worried about getting gestational diabetes as I was borderline with Little Man and then got pre-eclampsia right at the end but I just have to try and stay healthy. I can’t control those things unfortunately. I’ll be happy getting to 35 weeks with no major health worries. I just have to trust that I can cope with whatever scenario I end up with x

  5. I think Twin Mommas are the strongest. After going through this pregnancy, I have mad respect for them (and finally understand a bit of how it was for my Mom when she had twins). Yes it’s scary, but you can do it. Sending lots of positivity your way. <3

    1. Ah that’s sweet. It has made me respect those I know who have had twins all the more. Every pregnancy is a miracle but to carry two – wow. I’m still not sure where it’s all going to fit!!! Hoping your days are going nicely – I look forward to your updates x

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