As you know, I had my big scan on Friday and the sonographer (K) instantly said “yep, twins in there”. It was such a blink and miss it moment I asked her if she was sure and K showed us on the monitor more slowly. I asked her if they both were “okay” and when she replied yes they both have heartbeats I burst into tears. I couldn’t believe it. Two!
K tried to determine if they are identical as she could only really make out one yolk sac (which eventually becomes the placenta) but it looks like Twin B takes after Hubby in the silly department and seems to have it squashed over it’s head.
They are both in different sacks which is good – apparently – with Twin A measuring (at the time) 9 weeks 1 day and Twin B measuring 8 weeks 3 days.
I updated my Facebook page almost immediately so apologies for those of you that have been left hanging. I find it difficult to get on my laptop some days so this is the first chance I’ve had to jump on the blog.
Anyway, after the initial excitement wore off throughout the day, the impracticalities of twins started to sink in and I became quite panicked. The additional risk involved with multiples has me anxious and I just haven’t been able to allow myself to believe I can carry two. I feel detached from them still, afraid to bond, to have hope, to envision my future with them.
I suppose, I also feel a little bitter about there being two due to the extra risks and possibilities of various things going wrong. After everything we’ve been through, being pregnant with one would leave me anxious enough but with two, well, I’m convinced something will happen because just look at our track record.
I’m finding it hard to be positive. To not assume the worst. Some of you may be surprised and indeed disgusted to learn that I have told Hubby and various close friends that I just don’t want them. I don’t want twins. I don’t want to be pregnant. I just can’t do this.
As I admit this deeply personal confession tears fill my eyes and I begin to cry. I cannot believe I have blurted out these words aloud… to people who know me and are so so happy for me. Hubby looked at me in disbelief when I first said it and I can understand why. I never thought I could ever say that I don’t want my babies but I just don’t believe I will get them. With one I have a chance, but two? WTF. There are so many things that can go wrong and I just can’t get through the haze of the negative thoughts to focus on all the things that can go right.
Interestingly, as I re-read the above paragraph I felt myself become oddly protective of them. Maybe it’s just taking me a while to become the mother-bear and it’s happening slowly but surely.
I’m hoping once we move it’ll all become more calm. When I know what our new house will look like and who my new OBGYN will be. When I’m assured the level of care I’ll receive will be as good as what I have with Kirsten (my current OBGYN) and that things are progressing as they should be.
It just all feels so overwhelming with no way out. I have to keep going, to see it through but I just feel so desperately scared.
Until next time,
ADDITIONAL: While I know the internet can be a harsh place and people naturally judge I still wanted to share my private thoughts because I know that out there, someone will read this and feel comforted because they feel the same way. Grief, loss and pregnancy are entwined for me and unfortunately they do make things a little interesting on the mental health front. Whilst I fully expect some people will not understand the reasoning behind my “confession” in this post I hope most of my regular readers, friends and family will appreciate my honesty and have an understanding about my fears. I 100% believe that pregnancy after loss, or pregnancy in general, is not all sunshine and farts and that many have a hard time with it. Believing my body is capable of carrying healthy twins is my current struggle whether you think it’s justified or not. I hate to think that last sentence comes off as major defensive but I just wanted to put it out there and to make my feelings perfectly clear on the matter. Thanks for reading, K x