I haven’t posted about my weight loss journey because I’m embarrassed to say I’ve not been trying and thus haven’t lost any more.

I’ve come to realise that perhaps it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t ready to tackle it but I so desperately needed to feel like myself, to be able to wear my non-maternity clothes. The reason this was so important to me is because I haven’t been feeling quite right for a couple of months now. Last night I researched post natal depression and, well, I think I have it.

The factors are all there. No familiar friend or family support, a move interstate, a difficult birth. I could go on. It was like reading a case study of myself and that was really confronting.

I used to work in human services and I think most of you know I’ve had bouts of severe darkness throughout my journey to motherhood. I don’t want to diagnose myself but I’m pretty aware both on a personal and professional level. That aside, I’ve always been an advocate for mental health. The times I struggled I also felt a responsibility to be a voice. I believe a dive in mental wellbeing isn’t a weakness, it’s a sickness – like having the flu or breaking your arm – it needs attention and you need help. This time however, I’ve felt so terribly confused and ashamed. I don’t want to admit it. Surely I can’t have PND? Look at my gorgeous girls, I love them so much. I’ve been coping. The worst is behind us and I’m so incredibly fortunate.

No. Stop. It’s not about that. It doesn’t need justification.

For me it’s like I’m living in dull pastel shades mixed with grey days instead of the vibrant colours that usually fill my world. I feel numb. I’m not unhappy but I’m not particularly happy either, I’m just existing, going through the motions.

Writing this makes me feel like the crappiest mother on earth even though logically I know I’m not. I know I need help and I took the first step this morning by contacting my Mothers Group from Little Mans birth. My Village. We don’t message as much as we used to but I know it’s a safe place to get unequivocal support – and I’m so grateful to be able to say I received it almost immediately.

I still don’t feel strong enough to take the next step and contact my GP though. I’m not too sure I can say the words aloud. Writing has always been my therapy and I know I’ve kind of been hiding, not feeling motivated because I didn’t want to admit it and it become a subject matter. I guess I didn’t want to ruin this special time in my life because that’s a real fear for me at the moment.

But I’m ready to acknowledge it now and this post is my second step of recovery today. K x

12 comments

  1. I love my girls deeply. But Only now I’m starting to not be afraid of them. It’s a variation of the depression and I had it. That’s why my blog is called I’m not always panicking. ‘Cause when they were born, I had severe panic attacks every single day. I was existing, like you said. A robot with no time for herself or therapy. It got better and now, it’s going away. You’ll be ok. 😘

    1. Sorry for my late reply and thanks for sharing. It seems to be common – some form of panic – from Mummies of multiples. I think it’s very isolating because you can’t leave the house as easily and they’re twice the work. They’re easy girls now but once they start moving I know how hard it’s going to get, with no family around and only a new friend base it’s a lonely situation. Hopefully with therapy and some gym time I’ll come out the fog soon x

      1. Well, I wouldn’t fear the moving if I were you. Hopefully, it’ll get easier. It’s been easier for us once they started walking. When they were one they started reaching for their own toys and stuff like that. I absolutely preferred it. And right now, it’s so easy it’s ridiculous. My husband stays home all day with them and he’s even talking about working from home. It gets better, hun. But yes, that beginning is terrifying.

  2. One thing I’ve learned is that there is no shame in admitting your struggling and asking for help. Sending you love and hoping you find the courage to speak to your health care professionals as I firmly believe there is no need to suffer alone.

  3. I will be thinking of you. I also have had postpartum depression, especially after my last two. It’s a difficult battle, both recognizing it and then getting help, however that may be. It can feel terribly lonely.

    1. Laura, I am so sorry for my late reply. Thank you for sharing, I’ve revised a few msgs from other women who have/are going through PND and (although horrible) im comforted in a way. I guess it gives more motivation to get better and that you’re not alone x

  4. Hi hun, having PND does not in anyway mean that you do not love your children.
    I know that you have moved so far away from friends and family. I am only a few hours away and would be happy to come and visit one weekend if you need someone to talk to. Please feel free to add me on facebook and feel free to chat whenever you need it. x

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