I haven’t posted about my weight loss journey because I’m embarrassed to say I’ve not been trying and thus haven’t lost any more.
I’ve come to realise that perhaps it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t ready to tackle it but I so desperately needed to feel like myself, to be able to wear my non-maternity clothes. The reason this was so important to me is because I haven’t been feeling quite right for a couple of months now. Last night I researched post natal depression and, well, I think I have it.
The factors are all there. No familiar friend or family support, a move interstate, a difficult birth. I could go on. It was like reading a case study of myself and that was really confronting.
I used to work in human services and I think most of you know I’ve had bouts of severe darkness throughout my journey to motherhood. I don’t want to diagnose myself but I’m pretty aware both on a personal and professional level. That aside, I’ve always been an advocate for mental health. The times I struggled I also felt a responsibility to be a voice. I believe a dive in mental wellbeing isn’t a weakness, it’s a sickness – like having the flu or breaking your arm – it needs attention and you need help. This time however, I’ve felt so terribly confused and ashamed. I don’t want to admit it. Surely I can’t have PND? Look at my gorgeous girls, I love them so much. I’ve been coping. The worst is behind us and I’m so incredibly fortunate.
No. Stop. It’s not about that. It doesn’t need justification.
For me it’s like I’m living in dull pastel shades mixed with grey days instead of the vibrant colours that usually fill my world. I feel numb. I’m not unhappy but I’m not particularly happy either, I’m just existing, going through the motions.
Writing this makes me feel like the crappiest mother on earth even though logically I know I’m not. I know I need help and I took the first step this morning by contacting my Mothers Group from Little Mans birth. My Village. We don’t message as much as we used to but I know it’s a safe place to get unequivocal support – and I’m so grateful to be able to say I received it almost immediately.
I still don’t feel strong enough to take the next step and contact my GP though. I’m not too sure I can say the words aloud. Writing has always been my therapy and I know I’ve kind of been hiding, not feeling motivated because I didn’t want to admit it and it become a subject matter. I guess I didn’t want to ruin this special time in my life because that’s a real fear for me at the moment.
But I’m ready to acknowledge it now and this post is my second step of recovery today. K x