In some ways grief can be a magical thing as it makes you look at life so very differently. The smallest of tasks can provide such joy when you complete them because at the start you really didn’t think you could. Reality shifts slightly as your world becomes far more insular to just making it through each day or looking forward to a time when you’ll feel like yourself again.

A recent comment on this post got me thinking about my identity and how it’s probably changed forever. I mean, obviously you continue to grow and change throughout your life but when something major happens to your body and psyche it’s inevitable you’ll come out the other side a different person.

I think the hard part this past year or so has been figuring out who I am, the instability of not feeling like I know is unnerving to say the least. How do I get that spark back? I see it sometimes dancing in my eyes after gym or a flutter in my heart as I cuddle in bed with Little Man.

I need the spark to help me decide where I go to from here. It gives me energy, positivity and, that all important, self-confidence and worth.

It seems I like writing, I like taking pictures, I like blogging, but I find it hard sometimes. I find it hard to feel like a grown up and not just a lost little girl playing around on the internet.

I’m not really sure where this post is going but maybe that’s okay too. I’m trying to be easy going about things but I need something to hold onto, to steady me, to give me direction after this monumental period in my life. I mean, I have a few goals swimming around in my head but the mountain just feels so large at the moment.

But the spark will come back to me, don’t you worry about that.

I guess I’m just not ready to do everything but that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything.

Until next time,

Katie

2 comments

  1. Grief is both a blessing and a curse. I’ve always thought that. Without it, it’s hard to see the beauty that is everywhere in the world. But it also totally blows. My spark is just about extinguished, too. I can’t even remember what it felt like to have it. That doesn’t mean I don’t love most of my life, and my family and all of that. But like you said, I’m changed now. And I need to figure out how to get that spark back with the new me. We’ll both find it again, you and I. And it sounds like you are well on your way!

    1. That is so true, it is a blessing and a curse. On one hand it’s so painful but then it also gives you a kind of compassion I think would be lacking without the experience. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling that way about your spark – I really hope it comes back to you soon but until then we can be in this together (((big hug))) x

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