Some of you I know, some of you I don’t. I debated about whether to put it on here but then I quickly decided that if it helps just one person, even if that person is just me, then it’s worth it. I’ve never been great at verbally articulating my feelings, thoughts or ideas but writing them down has always made sense to me… so here goes.
As you know, we’ve been doing fertility treatment since November in a desperate attempt to not only give Little Man a sibling but to quickly end our tiring journey of trying to have children. We made the decision to stop after the April attempt and became perfectly content with life as a little threesome. We even planned to turn the spare room into some kind of study/fortress of solitude for Hubby. We became pregnant on this last go and earlier this week I miscarried.
It’s obviously been difficult, not only have the physical aspects been extremely painful but my mind is not working properly. It’s like it has shut down, I’m assuming to protect itself. I immediately felt great inadequacies as a woman, blamed myself since I was the one nurturing this little being and shame. Shame and guilt that it had happened again because it was all obviously my fault.
Thankfully upon being reunited with Hubby and Little Man I saw for myself that I can do this. I made a perfect, healthy baby and he is my whole world. I suppose you could say I’m going for quality over quantity… (sorry, it’s the British way to make jokes during something so serious). So thankfully those feelings of being an inferior woman haven’t raised their heads much.
I feel angry that this happened to us. I feel like I’m being taunted. We were perfectly at peace with our decision to stop trying then completely over the moon that it had finally worked only to have it taken away for some “unlucky” reason. I just can’t get my head around the cruelness of it all.
I can’t even begin to think about my study or the exam I have in a couple of weeks. The university have given me options which is good but I just don’t know what to do. I need to get over the physical stuff first and as I write this on day five I’m still getting excruciating cramps. However, I worry that once it’s over that is when my mind will turn on and go “here you go, I helped you deal with the pain now it’s time to start with a whole other world of hurt”.
I did have some posts scheduled that I’m unsure what to do with, I might post them anyway. I also started to keep a little diary in my drafts about my pregnancy and I can’t bring myself to delete it so I also might incorporate it into a post. I just don’t know.
Sometimes I think I’m going mad as I doubt whether the pregnancy actually happened – it’s all over so quickly. I feel exhausted. I feel like the tears are constantly there but they just won’t come…