HONOUR is to regard with great respect”

When you have a healthy child at home and you suffer a miscarriage sometimes it can feel like the focus has to be on one or the other. Grief or happiness. Sadness or thankfulness.

Depression and guilt seem to go hand in hand when you’re in this situation. Instead of being able to give yourself fully to the grief cycle you still have to get up, make breakfast, appear “normal” for your child at home. Whilst I fully believe – after my therapist pointed it out to me – that it is more than okay for your child to see you cry, you still cannot allow yourself, perhaps, the adequate time you so dearly need.

Yes, it’s okay for little Johnny to see you cry, to see you resting while Dad makes cups of tea but it’s not okay for this to become your life. At least, for me it wasn’t. Eventually Dad (and you) goes back to work and routines MUST continue, because what is the alternative?

At what point do we find ourselves either living in the grief and somewhat neglecting our living child or shutting down the pain altogether and living life to an apparent fullest? How do we find a happy medium?

I think it comes down to one word. “Honouring”.

Honouring what has happened and what is. Being open about the fact the facade doesn’t always have to be on. The fact you are human and that your child can be of a comfort. Honouring your lost baby and the hole that has been left in your heart and the fact that they were with you, they existed, and are now part of your history. Respecting yourself, the fact you are still standing and the journey you are currently on. Allowing yourself not to feel like you have to choose between your children.

After all, there is no guide book to life and even if there was I probably wouldn’t read it! It’s such a personal thing to go through and I’ve worked hard in trying to find a balance that doesn’t also make me feel guilty 24/7. To be okay with the fact I can feel sadness on one day because of an anniversary and yet still appreciate the life I do actually have at the same time. And that right there, my friend, is honouring the journey.

Until next time,

Katie

4 comments

  1. I think so often this journey requires us to deal with multiple different emotions running through our veins constantly. On the good days we can see through the hard emotions and find a way to balance everything going on inside our minds and hearts. On our bad days, well that’s just another story.
    On the bad days, that’s when we need our loved ones who help pick us up through those tough times, and clearly your life is filled with good people who are always at your side to help however they can.
    Sending you love my friend.

    1. Sorry for my late reply. Beautifully said as usual. I think it’s a good way to see it, good and bad days. That way you can identify if you are having a rough time and reach out for help, even if it’s just being extra kind to yourself for that day x

  2. Ah, yet another post from you that I could have written word for word. This is beautiful. Thanks for so eloquently voicing the thoughts that have been rumbling around in my head. It’s so hard to find that balance! I tend to swing all the way one way or the other.

    1. Apologies for my late reply! Thank you so much for your kind words. I often read blogs and go “OMG, they’re in my mind!!” I also swing one way or another but I work hard to try and maintain a healthy balance x

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