I’ve always considered any child born, any pregnancy a miracle. Not just for me but for anyone. How it seems the stars need to align just right for conception to occur, the amount of change a woman’s body goes through, the birth, the survival of this little being is, quite frankly, magnificent.
Miracle: An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural or an act of God”
Logically I know I grew Little Man, no one else could have done that, but there was always that feeling that I wouldn’t have him at all without months of treatment to actually fall pregnant in the first place. You could say the fact I carried him to term was miraculous in itself, so I always used to consider Little Man a miracle and I’ve said that on here numerous times. But, with my current pregnancy – twins no less – something that could be argued to be an actual, bonafide miracle, I suddenly find the term a little… unfair.
I remember before I had LM how I would read stories about other miracles. Women who had been trying for years and then it “just happened”. I remember thinking, but why not me too? Am I not worthy for a miracle to fall upon me? Do I need to be a better person? Do I need to be less selfish in my longing? The word turned into something containing malice and it had a devastating affect on me.
I feel like miracle is a poor choice of word, especially considering I’m not a religious person. I can’t say I prayed for this and God rewarded me. On the natural law front, I can’t say that my PCOS and the complications it brings has cleared up either. In saying that I can’t think of another word for what has/is happening for me.
I guess I’m wondering why. Why me? Why now? Above everything I’m wondering HOW? It’s all been too easy so maybe I’m still in shock about it all, the fact it’s all going so well and I haven’t had to do anything.
Maybe this was always going to be in my future and I just didn’t know it. Whatever the reason, if there even is a reason, I’m not going to knock it. I have awe, shock and gratitude running through my veins every single day, and probably will have for a very, very long time.