I wrote the below while waiting to leave for the doctor on Tuesday 27 May. Like my pregnancy diary (in my drafts) I couldn’t simply delete it…

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I’m not sure why I’m here, I’m killing time until I’m ready to leave in 56 minutes. I started bleeding this morning. I should be 8 weeks tomorrow and like times before it seems I haven’t quite made it. I can’t stop crying, I’m worried how I’ll go sitting in my OBGYN’s office for my emergency appointment in a couple of hours.

I’ve already started bargaining. I agree to give up my study, fail it all if I must, just let me keep my baby. I won’t be greedy and pursue other ambitions apart from dedicating my life to my children.

I feel like I’m being taunted. Please just let this be “one of those things” and a heartbeat is found today. Please let it be a story I can tell next year while I’m cradling my healthy newborn.

Hubby is on his way home from work and hopes to get here around 2pm. I plan to drop Little Man off at his grandparents and go to my appointment alone, somehow this makes me feel like I can cope with it easier knowing it’ll just be me and the doctor. I worry I will be having a D&C tonight, like last time. That started on a Tuesday too. I’m already planning what we will do with Little Man and wondering if I will throw myself into my studies to help with the grieving process.

I’m trying to stay positive but the bleeding is getting worse and I feel a sudden decrease in the pregnancy symptoms. I told a few people for support in case the worst happens and now I’m dreading contacting them. I know I need them though.

I hope to come back and write about how I’m on bed rest and that it is just one of those things but time will tell I suppose… Wish me.. not luck.. but something.

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I’m still numb. My mind isn’t working, I can’t think straight yet I can’t stop thinking. We went to visit friends on Saturday night and laughed so much, it was great to get out of the house and have some normal because this past week has felt like anything but. In the car on the way home Hubby and I both had a sense of calm – we both had needed that.

In the moment of it all you can forget who is affected. You can forget the pain the grandparents endure, the loss the potential Aunties, Uncles and cousins feel and the new playmate friends miss out on.

Family and friends near and far have been wonderful. I have been seriously comforted by the messages of support we’ve received, especially since my last post. They have given me such strength to know I am not alone in this and currently I’m refusing to start self-deprecating. That’s a big thing for me when it comes to this topic, so thank you to the moon and back.

Until next time,

Katie

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