I have my big proper scan today, where I hope to be given some kind of definitive answer. I know no one can say “yes, I can guarantee your babies will be viable and born healthy” but oh, wouldn’t that be nice?

I still feel pretty numb to it all. I daren’t hope for a great outcome and unfortunately, my old anxieties are coming through. Am I slowly convincing myself that one will miscarry and take the other with it? Probably. It’s hard to be positive and hopeful and put every single fiber of your being into willing something – that is completely out of your hands – to live. I just feel so exhausted by it all.

It might sound strange to wish for a baby to miscarry early, especially after everything we’ve been through. I’ve come around to the idea of twins and although it would be extremely difficult it would also be amazing. I guess, I’m concerned one isn’t viable yet the longer it’s heart stays beating the more risk there is to my other baby. I just can’t articulate how strange the whole thing is. How surreal it feels. How guilty I feel at even thinking “if it’s going to happen please let it happen now”, because the longer they’re in there together, the more risky it’s going to be. I just can’t shake this nagging feeling that I’m going to lose both.

Maybe it’s just how I’m feeling today but honestly, it’s what I’ve been thinking since we found out there are two heartbeats. Perhaps I just can’t let myself go there, to believe I could have a successful pregnancy, that I can carry two. If a girlfriend was talking to me this way I’d be saying “of course you can do it, you’re a woman and I want to hear your mother-trucking roar” – but I just can’t see myself that way. Pregnancy is clearly not my body’s strong point and I worry it’s not strong enough to do it again, let alone nurture and grow twins.

Anyway, I’m sure time will tell and I just have to trust that I’m mentally strong enough to get me through any of the potential scenarios. Be it a double stroller, one car seat or… well, I won’t say it.

Until next time,

Katie

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