Continued from Miscarriage, Misgivings and Magnitude: part I.
We managed to conceive Little Man on our first go of fertility treatment (combined with months of naturopathy and acupuncture) but it wasn’t until he was safely in my arms that I actually felt an attachment to him. Throughout my pregnancy I didn’t really talk to him, I felt apprehensive and a little detached – simply waiting for something to take him and our dream away.
After my water broke, containing meconium, Hubby got us to the hospital in record time though the car ride was eerily silent. I was terrified because I couldn’t feel LM moving but thankfully his heartbeat was located easily and thumped normally. My labour progressed quickly and as my anxiety grew about LM’s well-being my blood pressure increased. My doctor advised the midwife to get me prepped for surgery and she came in on call, when I saw her I begged her to get him out – not because I was having contractions, because the sooner we got LM out the sooner I would know he was alright. It was only when I finally held him in my arms that I allowed myself to begin the bonding process, but I was still so scared something would happen I unwittingly continued to keep a little distance and I don’t think I actually felt a true bond until he was about four months old.
Infertility or the loss of a baby – regardless of when they leave you – is unbearable. The hopes and dreams you have/had are abruptly stolen from you. I find the worst part not being able to rationalise it. You can ask “why me?” until the cows come home but no one can ever give you a comforting answer, because there simply isn’t one. There is no logic or justifiable reason and this is where our personal interpretations of why can lead us down the rabbit hole.
Personally, until now, I’ve felt because G and Z weren’t tangible that people wouldn’t understand or would simply brush my heartache aside – not that anyone gave me any reasons for those concerns. I had early pregnancy symptoms but no big belly to “prove” I was pregnant. I also grappled with great insecurities as a woman and my ability to do something so “natural”. Yes, I had many pity parties while playing the self blame game and who really wants to air their supposed weaknesses in public?
Despite an easing of the initial sorrow, I sometimes want to shout it from the rooftops that I’m sad today because it should be my baby’s third birthday. Above all, I’ve wanted to say out loud that it’s okay to still be upset and more than okay for me to remember them.
I am so fortunate to have caring people around me that have never wavered in their support but I am aware not everyone has that. If you are someone who is/has been trying to conceive, has suffered loss in early, mid or late pregnancy or has felt the loss a family member has experienced, well, I want you to know that you’re not alone and you do whatever it is you need to. If it means you honour the memory by naming your little one, buying a piece of jewelry to wear, planting a tree, collecting shells from the beach and keeping them in a memory jar or simply allowing yourself time to restore your sense of self, then do it.
They say time is a great healer but we know that’s not necessarily true, don’t we?
Until next time,