I’ve been feeling a little “meh” lately. Not in a sad way, not in a bored way, just more a “meh” way. Some of my friends are coming towards the middle or end of their pregnancies and I can’t deny that seeing updates on Facebook aren’t like a slap in the face. It’s a weird feeling because I am so happy for them and want the updates yet it still knocks the wind out of me a little.
I’ve pretty much decided that we won’t try anymore and I’m feeling at peace with that yet it didn’t stop me Googling ovulation and implantation signs earlier this week. I don’t even know why I did it. Habit maybe?
I have a post in my drafts that I wrote about a month ago, I’m not sure why I didn’t publish it at the time but it basically asks a lot of questions, obviously then I had no answers. I still don’t.
I seem to have quietly accepted the hand that has been dealt to us yet I still can’t think about Yogi and Peanut very much. I’ve shut it out of my mind and simply don’t go there. This bothers me. I want to be able to talk about them as openly as I do regarding G and Z (who we lost in 2010 and 2011) but I don’t have the energy to confront it. Frankly, I’m scared to.
I want to be okay with seeing pregnant friends and feel their happiness rather than choosing to stay in the sidelines with an air of emptiness about me. But, I just don’t feel like I can give anymore of myself to the situations. I’m aware that I’m probably not being a great support to them at the moment, it feels selfish of me to keep quiet and not be as enthusiastic as I would have been last year. Don’t get me wrong, I wish them nothing but health and happiness and maybe a box of chocolates or a foot rub but I just find it difficult to be actively involved. Maybe it’s because some are due around the same time I would have been. It’s hard not to compare, you’know? To wonder what might have been if… if… I was still pregnant today.
I would never ask the question “why me and not them?” but I do ask the shorter question of “why me?” a lot.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again.
Until next time,