I’ve been feeling a little “meh” lately. Not in a sad way, not in a bored way, just more a “meh” way. Some of my friends are coming towards the middle or end of their pregnancies and I can’t deny that seeing updates on Facebook aren’t like a slap in the face. It’s a weird feeling because I am so happy for them and want the updates yet it still knocks the wind out of me a little.

I’ve pretty much decided that we won’t try anymore and I’m feeling at peace with that yet it didn’t stop me Googling ovulation and implantation signs earlier this week. I don’t even know why I did it. Habit maybe?

I have a post in my drafts that I wrote about a month ago, I’m not sure why I didn’t publish it at the time but it basically asks a lot of questions, obviously then I had no answers. I still don’t.

I seem to have quietly accepted the hand that has been dealt to us yet I still can’t think about Yogi and Peanut very much. I’ve shut it out of my mind and simply don’t go there. This bothers me. I want to be able to talk about them as openly as I do regarding G and Z (who we lost in 2010 and 2011) but I don’t have the energy to confront it. Frankly, I’m scared to.

I want to be okay with seeing pregnant friends and feel their happiness rather than choosing to stay in the sidelines with an air of emptiness about me. But, I just don’t feel like I can give anymore of myself to the situations. I’m aware that I’m probably not being a great support to them at the moment, it feels selfish of me to keep quiet and not be as enthusiastic as I would have been last year. Don’t get me wrong, I wish them nothing but health and happiness and maybe a box of chocolates or a foot rub but I just find it difficult to be actively involved. Maybe it’s because some are due around the same time I would have been. It’s hard not to compare, you’know? To wonder what might have been if… if… I was still pregnant today.

I would never ask the question “why me and not them?” but I do ask the shorter question of “why me?” a lot.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again.

Until next time,

Katie

0 comments

  1. I read your post this morning, and have been thinking about it all day because while we are completely different points, I understand so many of the emotions you describe.
    I hope you do find a new whole version of yourself – I say new, because I do not believe you or I will go back to who we were before our losses. I’m pretty sure we both will eventually feel whole again – I hope we do.

    1. It’s funny isn’t it how a post can make you think, I get that so much when reading the many blogs in this community. I agree that the version has to be new. I feel like I’ve changed so much these past five years or so and (hopefully) have become a better person because of it but no, I will never be the same as the person I was before the losses. I think we will find a new version of ourselves though, no journey is the same but the feelings seem to be mutual regarding the end game. As always, thank you so much for your thoughtful msg.

  2. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way hon. I know how hard it is to see your friends and loved ones becoming pregnant, especially with ones so close to your own due date. It’s so hard to balance the conflicting emotions of happiness for them and sadness for yourself. Sending you love and light to get through this time. Hugs sweetie. <3

    1. Thanks hon. I think you’ve nailed it with the balancing of conflicting emotions, it’s such a confusing rollercoaster at times. Thanks so much for your msg – I am so grateful for the support you and this community provides.

  3. That is a really hard decision to make. I completely understand where you are coming from, I currently can’t stand FB because of that exact reason, it’s like voluntarily submitting yourself for torture.
    There is not a lot anyone could say to make you feel better at this stage and it is important that you feel everything you need to in order to make peace with this. I will say that I think you are very brave, I thank you for sharing yourself on your blog and please remember that this decision is reversible. You can change your minds at a later date if you so choose.

    1. Lol at the FB/torture reference. That’s what it feels like sometimes, hey? I quit FB a few years ago and it was great but my close-knit mothers group are on there (we have a private group) and without them I wouldn’t have gotten through the first twelve months, so I keep it for that reason. I also have a policy, if I wouldn’t talk to you on the street then I don’t add/accept you. I’m mentally much better just seeing posts from people I genuinely like and am interested in. Thanks so much for your kind words, I just write on here because it’s like free therapy! – thank you for reading and commenting, it really makes my day and I appreciate your time. Now for me to check out your blog!!

      1. You are very welcome, I always enjoy my time visiting your webspace. Unfortunately mine is not very interesting at the moment because I have had a holiday from work and the computer for two weeks 🙂 I wasn’t relaxing I was spring cleaning and trying to get a bunch done (both fertility specialist wise and other things) that had fallen in the wake of things like working for a living, eating and sleeping 🙂

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