When someone recently asked me how I was doing, and not in the casual sense, I fought hard to keep my tears in – ultimately failing and sharing a box of tissues with Little Man as he copied me dabbing my eyes. I realised how close to the edge I am, how I’m losing my temper over the silliest of things and worst of all feeling like I’m a rubbish mother to Little Man for it.

That same someone told me that I seem to have lost my spark, how they can just tell everything isn’t alright and that they could see my heart is broken. From one mother to another, she asked me to get help.

After a certain time frame people don’t ask you if you’re okay and while you think about your babies several times a day they don’t really ever get a mention again so the genuine concern was overwhelming but oh so wonderful at the same time. I wondered if I’ve been acting cray-cray to the point that it was actually a mini-intervention. I admitted I needed help and, more importantly, that I would follow through with my promise to contact a professional.

I think it’s a very English thing to not admit you need or are in any kind of therapy. I don’t think it’s as freely discussed as in the US for example. So, I’m breaking down the barrier today by sharing that I have booked my first appointment with an art therapist I know. I was so scared that I actually emailed her because I thought my voice might fault me during a call. But on confirmation of my appointment I felt this huge relief, I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. I’m nervous, I’m excited, I know it will be hard work but I need to do it because I can’t do this by myself.

I think there is more going on than just losing my babies. I can’t help but feel angry about it all, the unfairness, but then in turn the guilt in that I’m actually struggling to move on while I have Little Man here. Shouldn’t I be focusing all my energy on him and not just trying to keep it together? I need someone to help me come to terms with our decision to stop trying, to be grateful for what I do have and to help me keep my shit together. I know my therapist is only there to hold my hand while I do the hard work but it’ll be so worth it.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at.

Until next time,

Katie

8 comments

  1. I have all the same feelings you do — how could I feel like I’m barely holding it together when I already have this beautiful, healthy baby girl. But the truth is, we do feel like that, and that is ok. We are only human. I’m so proud of you for seeking help! That is a first, HUGE step towards feeling better. I’ve been seeing a therapist since my mom died, and while I still have so much work to do, I think it’s helped me exponentially.

    1. I often think of you and wonder if we’re on the same page with our feelings. I get such guilt from feeling down it’s like another excruciating layer on top of the grief. I’ve been splashing around in anger and depression for a while but sometimes I get to take a break in the false happy place that is denial! 😉 Seriously, I need help to find acceptance, from what has been and what is coming. Thank you so much for your message, I’ve found it very comforting x

  2. I think you are taking a very courageous step forward with your health and your recovery. What you have been through is traumatic, and you are human so no-one should be expected to get through it unscathed. It takes strength to ask for help and I’m so proud of you for doing it.
    Also, from my experience finding a good counsellor has been critical to the last few years of our lives – I really don’t think I’d be the same person I am today if it weren’t for having a safe place to talk through all the emotions around the grief and turning to adoption.

    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It’s true that it has been traumatic, I’ve kind of put that thought aside but you’re completely right. I remember you writing about your counsellor and I guess that’s what tipped me over into doing it, I just thought I was holding it together pretty well but seems like I may not be that great an actress! I know the counsellor and what art therapy entails so I’m confident that it’ll be good for me and I need to get out of this lonely place. Thanks again, I really appreciate your message x

  3. I had a moment with my therapist recently where I said “I totally understand why people dressed in mourning for years.” Because even though my mother’s death isn’t on the top of everyone else’ mind every day, it is still so real for me. It’s almost like I want a sign that says “Yup. Still dealing with some profound shit right now.” I certainly don’t mean to imply that pregnancy loss and parental loss are the same thing. Grief is a big, gnarly, complex thing. How can anyone expect us to experience it and not be changed?

    In the US, we may be a little more open to therapy but we are certainly NOT cool with talking about grief or death of any kind. It may be okay to admit you need help, but people don’t want to hear that you’re sad. It’s important that you honor what you’re feeling, get the help you need– and if anyone is made uncomfortable by it, that is truly their problem.

    1. Thanks hon. I agree with the whole people being scared of sadness thing – it really is a taboo thing I think. I totally get what you mean about the dressing in mourning too, I guess it beats a sign! I’m pleased that you’re seeing someone too, I often wonder how you’re going.

  4. The decision I made to stop trying was one of the hardest things to come through. It’s a grieving process. I’m pleased you’re seeing someone. You know from my blog etc it wasn’t a quick process but I think the first step is allowing yourself to acknowledge that’s how you are feeling instead of brave facing it. You know where I am Hun big big hugs xxxx

    1. Thanks hon. That gives me strength. I guess it becomes part of your life for so long you kind of have to find a new identity without the trying, hoping and longing x

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