Last weekend Little Red choked on a tiny bit of pretzel. Her face went purple as she struggled to breathe and I frantically shouted for Hubby who was putting clothes away in the bedroom. I panicked and I’m embarrassed to say that I froze. Normally it’s me who is good in emergency situations but all I could do was keep patting her back while shouting for help.
Hubby came running out and took her from me, flopping her struggling body over his arm and patting her hard on the back several times. My hands trembled as I grabbed my phone to start calling Triple Zero. He held her up, her face getting even more purple (I’m still convinced her lips were turning blue) and repeated the process.
Little Red eventually coughed up the offending piece of pretzel and let out a small cry. I took her into my arms and gently rubbed her back and cuddled her. While she smiled away I burst into tears.
My heart was thumping so fast and I was crying so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath. It had to have been one of the scariest things that I’ve ever seen. I didn’t want to let her go. Thankfully she was absolutely fine and let me hold her for as long as I needed before I put her down so she could play.
Naturally, it took a while for me to calm down. My hands still shook and I was on the verge of tears every time I pictured what had happened. I could initially put my ineptness aside because the thought of losing her was all consuming. It might sound flippant to say that my Post Natal Depression seemed to melt away completely that day. I could not appreciate my life or my children any more than I did in that moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I had already been having a good run. But I can only assume that being faced with the unimaginable horror of one – or all – of my children not being here simply scared me straight. Or, at the very least, everything massively got put into perspective.
Since then I’ve understandably been kinda’ hyper vigilant. Even being one step away from pureeing their food or chewing it first before they peck it from my mouth like baby birds. Copperhead has also learned that if she coughs Mummy will come running; hurdling over baskets of laundry, strewn toys, her siblings and the cat in order to give her a pat on the back. It’s all fun times in this house!
Although it was beyond awful and scared the business out of me, I can take some positive out of it. I never ever ever want to feel that way again. It seems that has been more than enough to keep the PND at bay.