Little Red (Fen) had her second ECHO scan last week to check the hole in her heart has closed up (apparently it’s a fairly common thing and the heart simply sorts itself out). The first time we had this ultrasound she was a small baby and lay perfectly still – not this time! No, she is a wriggly nine month old (corrected age) and kept rolling over to try and get to me. In the end it was decided that I should lie on the bed, with her on top of me. Kind of like a tiny human blanket. The thing is, this totally worked. As soon as we got into position she stopped rolling and trying to get away and just lay there. It was beautiful.
It might sound weird under the circumstances to say that I felt so connected to her, in that darkened room, with a sonographer doing his thing and making light conversation. It was strange, the bond almost palpable. One of us was seeing Little Red’s heart, the other was feeling it.
We’ve been through so much this year, I have so much to tell her about the journey when she’s older. I hope that one day we can be without medical appointments checking this and that. I would have preferred to have gotten to full term and not experienced any of NICU or what has followed, medically speaking, but I don’t feel down or frustrated about it anymore. (And trust me when I say, I’m always appreciative of the services available to us).
I regularly look at my girls and still go “I can’t believe I have you”. Our lives are rich with laughter and beautiful smiles and I feel so unbelievably fortunate and grateful for all of my children. Sometimes it just takes a moment of quiet contemplation to really feel the full intensity of that.