By “it” I mean miscarriage.

I have many friends and family members who have shown unwavering support for a long time. As I recently wrote about my grief some came forward to say that I have helped them understand the devastation miscarriage brings and how they’ve never really realised the enormity of the situation before. I find this honesty brave and undeniably considerate. Instead of saying nothing they said “tell me about it, explain what it is like for you”.

Before continuing I want to say that I appreciate people have different views on what constitutes a baby and if it’s at conception or later on. I don’t have the energy to get into an argument with someone because I don’t know what the right answer is, but what I will argue is how it feels once you discover you are pregnant. At least, what follows is how I felt. I will use Yogi as my example.

4 weeks

The line appears, somewhat faded but it’s definitely there. My heart skips a beat and my eyes refocus. Is this real? Is there really a line or am I imagining it? I hold it under the window for natural light, under the bathroom light and finally under the kitchen light. Yep, it’s there alright.

I’m so happily shocked but also reserved and it takes Hubby several times to say “you’re pregnant” before it even begins to sink in. He hugs me tightly and then we both hug Little Man. In my private thoughts I think “we did it!“.

5 weeks

The doctor confirmed the pregnancy with a scan and said I could start telling people if I wish since she was not wrong in her diagnosis. I was pregnant and could scream it from the rooftops – which is what I wanted to do.

As much as I told myself to be cautious I couldn’t help but feel confident that this pregnancy would be successful. My mind immediately started planning and I began working out dates and what we would need to buy. By the end of the day I’d pretty much planned how the new bedroom would look!

I got upset when my parents were reserved in their excitement because I was so sure everything would be okay.

6 weeks

Every time I left the house and drove past the primary school I imagined Yogi sitting in Little Man’s pram while we walked him there in the mornings and afternoons. Sometimes she was sleeping. I imagined two car seats in the back of the car and me asking LM to pass Yogi her dummy. I imagined them squabbling and singing along to the radio.

Privately I read the baby book, secretly reading ahead to see what symptoms I could expect and what would be happening to Yogi. What stage she needed to be at and when I would be in the “safe” trimester two. I secretly knew what name I wanted to give her.

7 weeks

My tummy has popped and my clothes are getting tight. I didn’t show until around sixteen weeks with LM so it must be true what they say about second pregnancies.

8 weeks

Doctors appointment went fine! Baby is gowing normally. The relief comes quickly but then is replaced by the next milestone of getting out of the first trimester.

10 weeks

Another appointment with the OBGYN for a scan to help with my anxities. All is still going well and my tummy has popped more. I’m finding that my clothes are getting even tighter but I refuse to bust out my old maternity stuff!

12 weeks

WE DID IT! We made it. Scan with the Dr showed everything is progressing well and as it should be. Now, let’s get to sixteen weeks when my next scan is booked.

14 weeks

Nausea and tiredness have finally subsided. I feel like I have a little more energy but still hating chicken and pork.

16 weeks

The scan shows everything is still going smoothly and I cannot tell you the excitement at feeling those first few flutters of baby kicks.

20 weeks

Do we want to find out the sex? No. Like with LM we will wait for the surprise although I think there is a little girl growing in there.

30 weeks

Like with LM I feel extremely body confident. I love my big bump just like I did with him.

39 weeks

A medically required ceaser is performed due to the short time gap from the last one. She is placed in my arms and I weep with happiness and look up at Hubby who has tears in his eyes. She has bright red hair like her brother and I can’t wait for them to meet each other. Her set of lungs are strong as she cries but my hold seems to settle her. She nuzzles into my chest and I hold her close. Hubby takes her as I finish surgery and I see the look of pure love on his face as he gazes at his newborn daughter.

We make the calls to our parents and siblings. Text our friends and update our Facebook status. We get flooded with congratulations and feel comforted that our family is now complete. We can end our journey and close the chapter knowing we are happily ever after…

1 week old

We bring Yogi home and the jokes about being sleep deprived begin again. We get into a happy routine and LM is all too happy to help with passing wipes, nappies and doing his own thing. Being the socialable and caring child he is he loves to lie and sit with his baby sister. We watch Monsters Inc while she sleeps in my arms and we walk to the park while she is nestled against me in the Baby Bjorn – just like he used to be.

6 months old

First foods!!! Aaargh, I forgot how hilarious and scary this is!

1 year old

We have a big party – like we did for LM. It’s really a thank you to all the people who have shown support all these years. LM has a great time with all his friends and his baby sister is starting to crawl after him!

4 years old

I can’t believe my baby is starting kindy while her big brother is in school. Where have all the years gone?

12 years old

My baby girl has started her period, the first step to becoming a woman.

16 years old

Driving lessons.

18 years old

Off to university she goes. I cry with sadness, happiness and a feeling of being a proud lioness.

21 years old

Graduation time! I am so proud of her. Now it’s time for her gap-year trip and I sneak her some pounds for when she visits her Grandparents in England.

I love her so much and say silent wishes that she will always be safe…

 

Now imagine you didn’t get past eight weeks.

 

The appointment didn’t go fine at all.

 

But you’ve already planned things like the nursery, calculated how you’ll only need to purchase another car seat and taken photographs of your swollen belly. You have maternity wear in your ASOS basket in excited anticipation that you will need to make a purchase soon. You’ve imagined the future, imagined your baby, imagined your child as an adult. You’ve imagined a whole life.

As I re-read this post my heart beats faster, tears come to my eyes and I feel as if I’ve been slapped in the face. Much like when I started spotting on that Monday night in May and I knew what was happening.

This explanation is only the tip of the iceberg regarding the emotional and physical complexities a miscarriage creates but I hope it gives an insight nonetheless.

Until next time,

Katie

6 comments

  1. You’re very brave to share this with us, and my greatest sympathies go out to you and your family. And thank you, for helping me understand, as my mother went through this painful experience on her first time having a child ( about 2 years before me). I hope you are going okay, stay strong.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I read your blog and you clearly have a great deal of emotional intelligence and awareness and I’m sure your mum will appreciate you thinking of her and showing understanding.

Leave a Reply