I’ve mentioned before how I am a comfort/stress eater but I haven’t really gone into how much. Like many people, I have difficulty letting myself simply feel the negative and instead of communicating my distress or finding other ways of support I eat, and chocolate is my weapon of choice. This has caused me to carry extra kilos for many years now and even though I managed to lose my Little Man weight I’m still not happy with my relationship to food.
On a rational level I’ve known that I was an emotional eater for a while but it was never slapped in my face as much as recently. As my regular readers (Hi Mum and Dad) will know, Hubby and I have been grieving for our lost little Yogi (third miscarriage). I think, in order to get my mind focused on something else, I started Lite and Easy with the goal to lose weight.
A few days after starting I was having a particularly bad day. I just wanted to lie on the couch, I felt the crying frog in my throat that wouldn’t – couldn’t – jump out and during LM’s nap I started to feel the bubbling begin to surface and pretty much tried to manipulate Hubby into telling me it was okay for me to have an ice cream or some chocolate. He simply said “no”, which I know was really difficult for him to do. He then went on to tell me that it wouldn’t help and I’d feel worse about myself. With that I let it out. I cried into his arms, cried for Yogi, cried for his grief, cried for LM and the big brother he won’t be and cried for myself.
It was loud, it was unattractive, I made the high pitched noise that makes Oscar run away and hide but I did it – and I felt so much better afterward. The thought of chocolate went away and I knew a turning point had been reached.
Since then I’ve been steadily losing weight and have had no other cravings really. I think this blog has a lot to do with that and the fact I can write honestly and openly about what we’re going through without hiding. The level of support has surpassed the non-existent expectations I had when I began writing and started to share our story and I know that it’s having a great mental and emotional affect. So I, we, thank you.
Of course I want to set an example to LM but it’s not all about that. For once my mind isn’t continually relating the weight loss to pregnancy. It’s not about losing weight so that the fertility drugs might work better, it’s not about having a healthy BMI so that I might be able to get pregnant again. I haven’t been able to say in a long time that it’s just about me without the ultimate end game actually being about a baby. It’s about my physical and mental health and after five years I finally feel like I can take the focus off having children. How long this will last? I don’t know. But for now, I’m embracing not taking folic acid or naturopath stuff and not having invasive scans every month. We’ve sort of discussed if and when we might consider trying again but in the meantime I’m just going to be me, Katie – Wife, Mother, Crazy-Cat Lady – and I’m really excited about that.
Until next time,