*WARNING MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS*
Why don’t you do some writing?”
That’s what Hubby said to me last night. I replied that I’m not sure people would want to read the stuff I really want to write about. So, I’ve been tossing up whether to actually publish this kind of post. Then I figured, “stuff it”, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.
I’ve been feeling pretty down this past week. I realised that the Post Natal Depression (PND) still has a firm grip on me. I’m obviously not as well as I thought I was and that in itself is extremely upsetting. We had a meeting with the hospital last week regarding my complaint (due to the spinal when the girls were born and subsequent care from the maternity ward, both of which I think I’ve only briefly mentioned on here) and I think that has been a major trigger.
I’ve been distant, snappy and a shell of myself. I know that Hubby is worried and scared. It pains me to think that maybe that isn’t just for me, but for our children too. I feel compelled to say that I would never, EVER, hurt my children. PND, for me at least, isn’t about that at all. While I may feel numb I still care for them on bad days. I change them, I feed them, I even play with them; it’s just that the enthusiasm isn’t there.
THE TOP 5 WAYS I FEEL ON PND BAD DAYS
I suppose I’m writing this for a bit of free therapy, but also to try and articulate my feelings on what PND means for me.
- Being completely exhausted all of the time;
- Feeling numb and disconnected from the people I love;
- An overwhelming sense of sadness and helplessness;
- Suicidal thoughts;
- Lack of patience and, at times, quick to anger.
I’M AWESOME AT COPING THOUGH, RIGHT?
I guess, in some respects I do cope and manage reasonably well. As I said before, my children eat healthily, they’re clean, they have fresh clothes and seem to be pretty happy. I keep the house going and I keep them going. I’m obviously doing something right, right? But no. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m just doing all kinds of wrong. I should be loving all this, yeah? My inner monologue continues to tell me that wishing away time is bad, you’ll regret it later. But it’s all I’ve done this past week. All I want is to be left alone. To get into bed and cry and sleep and repeat.
When I feel really down I’m convinced that I’m a terrible mother. I’m 100% positive that my children would be better off without me. I even told Hubby he’d find someone else, someone normal who they’d fall in love with too. After all, the girls wouldn’t even remember me. He asked me how I would respond to a friend who was saying these kind of things. I told him I’d say she cannot be replaced, not ever. That she needs help, that it’s an illness who thrives on lies.
I know I would never leave my beautiful babies. I know deep down that this is just an illness. Well, not JUST an illness. That makes it sound a bit flippant and gives the impression that it’s not completely and utterly debilitating. This is one of the hardest times in my life, and I’m not exaggerating for dramatic effect.
I’ve decided it’s time to go on the meds. My argument that they could make me feel numb is a bit redundant when the reality is, they can’t make me feel worse than how I do right now. Something has to change. I want my life back. Above everything I need to be well so that I can simply cope with life’s obstacles. We have enough challenges coming up with Little Red that I need to be on my game. I have to get better for my family and for me.
I need help and I’m going to get it. I am going to publish this post because I know I’m not alone. I know I have readers that I’ve never met and who never comment (and that’s more than okay). But if you are someone that reads because you’re going through this awful PND journey too, then I hope you can seek some comfort from my openness. You don’t have to share, you don’t have to message. We may be in different countries even, but… ah f*ck it, I don’t know how to, I mean, I don’t want to sound glib when I say…
We can survive this. We WILL survive this. During this fight we will be a force to be reckoned with and PND will rue the day it tried to take us on. Just like that fudging majestic phoenix rising from the ashes, we will be better versions of ourselves and we will, once again, be unstoppable.