When I was pregnant with Little Man my mind was constantly anxious and it was a daily battle to brush away feelings of being scared that something might happen to take him away.

It might sound extreme but throughout my pregnancy, and especially towards to end, I continually told Hubby the same thing – that should he be put in a rare situation of where he needs to make a decision of who to choose he must pick the baby. Where did this thought process come from? I’d seen an episode of Scrubs where this medical emergency occurred and it haunted me.

I remember Hubby’s anguish one time when I said this to him and I made him agree that he would follow my wishes and save the baby even if it meant I didn’t live. I am aware this troubled him and I know this is rare in the Western world but I was so terrified of trying to survive another loss it did affect my rational train of thought. I was also incredibly in love and fiercely protective of LM already that I would quite literally die for him.

Why am I recounting this? Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about a Mother’s Love, about how it is animalistic and how you would face your fears if it meant your child would remain safe. I’ve also realised how incredibly selfish of me it would be to assume LM would be at peace living life without his mother because it’s what every child wants and needs. This thought saddens me that my babies who aren’t with me cannot feel my arms around them, G, Z and Yogi cannot be comforted by me stroking their hair, cannot be encouraged to be all that they can be. I just hope they know how much I love them, maybe if they’re watching me from where they wait for us to one day to be reunited. Maybe it means that I hold LM as tight as I would hold all four of them combined, maybe I do scream too loudly when I encourage him, maybe I will be a little over-protective… but I hope he reads this blog one day and gains a level of understanding that I cannot even begin to explain to him now.

Until next time,

Katie

 

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