There I said it.

It’s not like I walk around with this feeling ALL DAY. Most of the time I’m simply getting on with my life, enjoying Little Man, being content with our family of three. But then, sometimes, I see something (like a baby for example) and the desire smacks me in the face.

We still have some of LM’s old baby stuff, like his highchair and safety gates. Six months ago when I was in the belief I wouldn’t be trying again I would have sold them, but now I’ve let the old nagging thoughts creep back in. Yes, I have thought “but what if I get pregnant” many times recently.

I hate this question. It has dictated my life for so many years and the time I had without it appearing was pretty liberating. I was able to make decisions, act quickly and move on. Now I’m in limbo again. Wondering if I should hold on to everything because of “just in case”.

I know, in reality, I could just purchase the baby stuff again, I mean, I can’t hold onto the stuff forever (or can I?) but it’s the sentiment that goes with it. To be honest I’m surprised I managed to sell his basinette without too much thought. Thanks grief.

I think part of my longing also stems from the fact Little Man would make an excellent sibling. He’s the most affectionate and compassionate boy, I could just imagine him taking care of a baby brother or sister. Maybe I want to experience the magical time of being heavily pregnant again. I spent so much of LM’s pregnancy in a state of anxiety I didn’t really get any photos, I didn’t really allow myself to enjoy it too much for fear it could be taken away, I didn’t really embrace it.

Maybe I want it so much because it’s hard for me? Maybe it’s because I love babies and all the special things that they do. Maybe it’s because of my losses and the fact there is a constant hole there. Maybe it’s because LM is growing up so fast.

Or maybe it’s just because I want another baby and there is nothing wrong with that.

Until next time,

Katie

8 comments

  1. Me too. I want another baby, too. So, so much. It’s really hard. I don’t have much to say, but just know I can relate to everything you’re saying here! Sending hugs.

    1. Thank you – back at you πŸ™‚ I feel like when the journey to get your existing child was hard you kind of need to justify it more. But really, there doesn’t need to be a reason – we can want all we want <3 Hope you are feeling better too hon x

  2. Oh I can relate so much… We’ve kept so much stuff from our first (and only), and I can’t bring myself to sort through it and to sell/donate at least something. I tried to do this a few times, but letting them go seems like so final, so hopeless decision (though of course, we could buy new stuff if we ever need it)… So many emotions here.

    1. I totally get it. I’ve kept most of LM’s tiny clothes and I was fortunate enough to have a friend I could gift some of his things to who knew it was difficult for me – I almost didn’t give it to her when I arrived at her house! I knew she would take care of them and give me some special items back and she was the sweetest in keeping a list of what I had given her. In the end, after her boy had outgrown the clothes, I asked her to take them to charity because I knew I couldn’t do it myself but also that I couldn’t keep EVERYTHING!

  3. At the moment I am loving the “what if” because to me it is akin to hope which is something I am clinging to very strongly. As you said there is nothing wrong with wanting a baby, nothing at all, it is a natural need and want for any women or family. And there is no reason you should have to let go of that πŸ™‚ I sure as hell am not going to πŸ™‚

    1. I think “what if” is an exciting time and I’m sure I had that once but because I was trying for so long before Little Man we didn’t really plan holidays or a trip home because our goal was to have a baby and I didn’t want to be travelling if I got pregnant. Then we had LM and began trying immediately and it started again. The “what if” kind of takes over my life and maybe I shouldn’t let it but because my pregnancies are high risk I kind of can’t do anything or go anywhere as I need to be near my OBGYN stat!!! I am naturally a little OCD and I love the idea of a sibling using the same baby stuff as LM but I don’t even know if it’s going to happen for me. The thought of keeping everything is great if I KNEW I could get there but chances are he’ll be an only child. So me asking “what if” is kind of a way to reason me keeping everything he’s ever touched and dictates me moving on!! Like being stuck in limbo. Does that make sense?

      1. Yeah I get where you are coming from. It’s a hard place to be. Like I said there is nothing whatsoever wrong with saying you want another child and like you said you could get the stuff again, but there is sentimental value to it. I don’t think anyone can tell you when the “what ifs” should stop, this stuff is important, it is important to you and LM and your family πŸ™‚

        1. Totally agree!! It’s so hard to explain but I think you’re right with the sentimental stuff. I would keep everything of his if I could!

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