I feel semi-normal! Well, I use the word normal loosely because I really mean more like myself. My first therapy session was great – exhausting – but great. It allowed me to just chat openly about stuff and we delved into my reasons for comfort eating. I explained how I felt numb and never full. Actually pretty disconnected from the neck down. I admitted how I felt my body was useless, inefficient and how I had no respect for the damn thing.
Hearing myself be so derogatory and really speak about my body in the third person was liberating but also confronting. Abusing it with food because I feel disconnected from the neck down is not how I want to live. Apparently this is pretty common in women when they have experienced trauma.
Using that word, trauma, felt so harsh when people said it to me but then I realised that’s exactly what happened to me last year. Two pregnancy losses back to back was tough to say the least but that whole weekend of “are you actually going to miscarry or are we just putting you through hell for fun? Oh wait, yes you are going to miscarry but we just thought we’d give you a week where the blood tests were full of positivity” left me a shell of myself.
My energy drained, my hopeful nature dwindled, my self-depreciating humour turned less funny and more nasty. A part of me changed forever last year and I was naive in thinking it wouldn’t.
One thing to come out of my session was my admittance that I felt guilty. Guilty for actually feeling down when I have Little Man and many cannot have biological children at all. I think of it a bit like survivors guilt (which might sound strange and I plan to go into what I mean in more detail on another post). The immediate reply was that this is my journey and other people have theirs. This powerful validation that I could openly grieve and that my counsellor wouldn’t be thinking “what a selfish bitch” was liberating. A huge weight has been somewhat lifted.
Weirdly, I’ve been feeling incredibly full since my session. To the point where I didn’t have any dinner the night of it and haven’t been comfort eating in the same mindless way I was. I sure hope my body, brain and heart can reconnect and we can all live the rest of my days with a peaceful solidarity.
It’s early days but I’m hopeful. More than hopeful. I know I can do this…
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,