Due to my excitement (at last) about the twin pregnancy I went out and got some tiny clothes for them. After steering Little Man away from groping a mannequin in the ladies underwear portion of the store, we happily made our way to the baby section. As he flirted outrageously with a pretty young blonde thing (he really does love the ladies!) trying to organise the girls wear, I wistfully looked around at all the possibilities of what I could purchase.
I was still cautious not to go overboard but ultimately was really excited to show Hubby and our folks what I had bought. The fear didn’t kick in until much much later when I suddenly panicked about “what if I don’t need them”, “why did I get this stuff, I should have waited”.
You see as much as I want to meet them I’m still scared I’m not going to. Then that horrible little voice pipes up – What if this is all a trick from the universe, making me fall in love with them to only take them away? What if my body can’t do this until the end? What if something happens after they are born? I can’t do this, I just can’t do it.
Then the fighter in me thankfully comes forward and tells me to take deep breaths, you got this Katie, you can do it. Stop living in loss, it’s been your home for far too long. Keep breathing, see? Your chest is getting less tight. Have a cuppa’ tea and pull yourself together girl. Your babies need you to be strong for them, this is bigger than your fear.
And I do it. I make myself a drink, I continue to breathe deeply until the panic passes and then I get on with my day.
Until next time,