Due to my excitement (at last) about the twin pregnancy I went out and got some tiny clothes for them. After steering Little Man away from groping a mannequin in the ladies underwear portion of the store, we happily made our way to the baby section. As he flirted outrageously with a pretty young blonde thing (he really does love the ladies!) trying to organise the girls wear, I wistfully looked around at all the possibilities of what I could purchase.

I was still cautious not to go overboard but ultimately was really excited to show Hubby and our folks what I had bought. The fear didn’t kick in until much much later when I suddenly panicked about “what if I don’t need them”, “why did I get this stuff, I should have waited”.

You see as much as I want to meet them I’m still scared I’m not going to. Then that horrible little voice pipes up – What if this is all a trick from the universe, making me fall in love with them to only take them away? What if my body can’t do this until the end? What if something happens after they are born? I can’t do this, I just can’t do it.

Then the fighter in me thankfully comes forward and tells me to take deep breaths, you got this Katie, you can do it. Stop living in loss, it’s been your home for far too long. Keep breathing, see? Your chest is getting less tight. Have a cuppa’ tea and pull yourself together girl. Your babies need you to be strong for them, this is bigger than your fear.

And I do it. I make myself a drink, I continue to breathe deeply until the panic passes and then I get on with my day.

Until next time,

Katie

Save

Save

12 comments

  1. Good on you,yes you can do this. We’re all rooting for you and have positive wishes. Bless ya though. I know how hard it is, and that’s just by imagination. Part of me feels like I’m living it with you if that makes sense? Lots of love katie xx

    1. Thanks Yvette, I really appreciate that. A few people have said that they feel they are right along beside me and you totally are. I feel like I have a huge support group and that’s pretty amazing! x

  2. I think it’s such a shame what our losses have done to us, but I am so proud of you for taking a beather and remembering that you are bigger then the fear! You’ve got this, and you’ve got so many people throughout the world cheering you on each and every day!

    1. I know, I wish I had the innocence that some women have. Thank you, knowing I have positive thoughts from all over the world really does make me feel more determined to get through the fear. x

  3. How are you going with being in Newcastle? Do you think this is adding to the stress at all?
    There are a lot of things I could say/tell you and beg you not to worry, but I know you will anyway because they are your babies. I will say that stress causes more harm than good and I would recommend finding something that relaxes you and whenever you are finding yourself REALLY stressed go do it. For me it is dancing around and singing to music πŸ™‚

    1. I think the move has contributed to the stress massively but it’s getting better. I’m a really home-body so leaving my sanctuary was tough, leaving my amazing friends, routine and changing Drs was just so much in such a short space of time. It’s getting better but I’d love to have a few friends down here. I need to email you about your friend as that would be awesome to have coffee with someone (providing they want to obviously!) and pick their brains about the real estate sitch. TBH though, I think I would be equally as panicked in QLD as I am down here, more so because Hubby would still be working away. The move has provided a distraction which is good but I won’t relax until they’re here.

      1. I think now that you are going to have triple the amount of kids under 5 in the house it is great that your Hubby will be home so much more. That is one really positive thing the move has brought. I know there has been some really frustrating stuff too, but hopefully everything is coming out the other side now πŸ™‚
        If you like use my email address to find and add me on FB and then I will connect you with her πŸ™‚ cat_entertainment@hotmail.com

Leave a Reply