So, I debated about whether to actually write and publish this post. I’ve had a jumble of emotions running through my brain so I knew that I needed to get them out but then the question of making them public remained. I eventually reasoned that yes, I will share, because I’ll be writing about this whatever the outcome and you’ll find out one way or another.
Last week I discovered I was pregnant. My first words were “f*cking no”. I cried. I called Hubby who was pretty excited. He told me what to do next because I couldn’t think straight. Call my GP for a referral. Call my OBGYN for a prescription for progesterone and blood tests. Call his folks to see if they can watch Little Man.
I then called my friend to see if I could go over. I didn’t want to be alone.
For the next few days I had this oddly calm feeling. I think I was still in shock and to be honest it was wonderful because the fear had not sunk in yet. I just robotically did what I had to do – get my blood tests, pick up my script, start taking the vitamins.
The fear set in on Sunday when I was convinced I had lost my symptoms. Hubby assured me I still had the pregnancy rage amongst other usual stuff. I had the GP on Monday who confirmed my blood test results showed a normal rise in the hcg (pregnancy hormone). I still purchased one of those electronic tests though to try and figure out how far along I could be. I think I’m five weeks today.
We weren’t really trying but then we weren’t not trying either. I guess I didn’t think too much on the fact it could happen so quickly. I wanted to cry in my Zumba class. It just all feels too much. Is it lose two have one? Is that our pattern? Is this our time? It feels different, similar to LM’s but is my body strong enough to do this? I told Hubby I wished that he could carry our children and when he asked why I replied because I know he could do it better than me. Why oh why can’t we be seahorses?
I know it’s early. I know anything could happen and that it is out of my control. I tend to lose them before eight weeks so I’ve been in a state of anxiousness for a few days now. I miss that calm feeling from last week. Every time I go to the toilet I’m worried I’ll see blood. I’m wishing away time so I can skip the next few weeks (and months) and just have a healthy baby. I feel confident that if I can get to the second trimester then we’d be okay. Seven weeks to go.
I’m aware that I’m only mentally capable of surviving one outcome, so please save the congratulations for eight months. Receiving them at a time I’m making a birth announcement is what I need to focus on right now.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,