So, I debated about whether to actually write and publish this post. I’ve had a jumble of emotions running through my brain so I knew that I needed to get them out but then the question of making them public remained. I eventually reasoned that yes, I will share, because I’ll be writing about this whatever the outcome and you’ll find out one way or another.

Last week I discovered I was pregnant. My first words were “f*cking no”. I cried. I called Hubby who was pretty excited. He told me what to do next because I couldn’t think straight. Call my GP for a referral. Call my OBGYN for a prescription for progesterone and blood tests. Call his folks to see if they can watch Little Man.

I then called my friend to see if I could go over. I didn’t want to be alone.

For the next few days I had this oddly calm feeling. I think I was still in shock and to be honest it was wonderful because the fear had not sunk in yet. I just robotically did what I had to do – get my blood tests, pick up my script, start taking the vitamins.

The fear set in on Sunday when I was convinced I had lost my symptoms. Hubby assured me I still had the pregnancy rage amongst other usual stuff. I had the GP on Monday who confirmed my blood test results showed a normal rise in the hcg (pregnancy hormone). I still purchased one of those electronic tests though to try and figure out how far along I could be. I think I’m five weeks today.

We weren’t really trying but then we weren’t not trying either. I guess I didn’t think too much on the fact it could happen so quickly. I wanted to cry in my Zumba class. It just all feels too much. Is it lose two have one? Is that our pattern? Is this our time? It feels different, similar to LM’s but is my body strong enough to do this? I told Hubby I wished that he could carry our children and when he asked why I replied because I know he could do it better than me. Why oh why can’t we be seahorses?

I know it’s early. I know anything could happen and that it is out of my control. I tend to lose them before eight weeks so I’ve been in a state of anxiousness for a few days now. I miss that calm feeling from last week. Every time I go to the toilet I’m worried I’ll see blood. I’m wishing away time so I can skip the next few weeks (and months) and just have a healthy baby. I feel confident that if I can get to the second trimester then we’d be okay. Seven weeks to go.

I’m aware that I’m only mentally capable of surviving one outcome, so please save the congratulations for eight months. Receiving them at a time I’m making a birth announcement is what I need to focus on right now.

Thanks for reading.

Until next time,

Katie

15 comments

  1. Your fears are real and it’s okay to have all of them running through your veins right now. I am wishing you a very uneventful next 8 months or so!
    If you ever need anything, please let me know and email anytime. Sending love your way.

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely worlds (as always). Here’s hoping it is VERY uneventful, except for you’know, the baby at the end! x

  2. I’ll hold my tongue and not say the word because I know that feeling. MPB said it all perfectly – it’s perfect normal to feel all these wild, fast emotions. I’m sending prayers your way, Katie!

  3. Hi Katie, I’ve been following your journey for a while now and just want to say “wow you’re so strong”! Congrats on even saying this out loud, let alone in a public forum.
    I will quietly hope and pray for you and for Little Man and for Hubby that you will all receive a perfect little blessing bundle in 8 months time.

    1. Beth, your message is SO sweet. Thank you for your lovely words, they really put a smile on my face even though I feel far from brave. Knowing I have people like you following along and keeping us in your thoughts is truly comforting. (((hug)))

  4. I cried reading this and held my breath in hopes for you- will be thinking of you these next few weeks and sending you hugs, light & love x

    1. Thank you. I was thinking of you earlier and how you must have felt so similar at the beginning. I get strength from knowing you got through this part and will get your happy ending soon x

  5. It is terrifying right? It should not be but it is when you have been through what you have been through. I wish I did not know that feeling. I am sending you hugs and strength and hoping for a healthy uneventful 8 months for you! xo

    1. I know what you mean, I wish I still had my innocence surrounding pregnancy. As much as I want to enjoy it I know I won’t because I’ll be so focused on the end result. Thank you so much and big hugs back at you x

  6. Oh honey, I know this is your deepest want as well as your deepest fear. When the two combine like that it can be completely overwhelming. I will not say the banned word and I will not say you need to try and relax because a) that will feel impossible at the moment and b) I am pretty sure you will jump on a plane to come and hit me for it 🙂
    You are a strong and wonderful woman and mother. I am thinking about you and your family and sending the best vibes your way.
    It is easy to over think things and I think we are a little alike in that our brains go a mile a minute with a whole bunch of serious as well as random worries and thoughts and it can be very hard to shut them up. Sometimes I manage to stress myself out when I have sat down for a cup of tea and a relax hahaha (who does that). I think it is important to acknowledge your worries because they are completely legit and make sure you share them with Hubby, I know he is excited, but I am pretty sure you will find he is secretly freaking out too, but trying to be strong to support you.
    For now I advise that when you feel your thoughts and worries getting out of control stop what you are doing, sit down, think of somewhere that makes you feel at peace or at least happy and take big focussing breaths in and out at least 3 times. Then open your eyes and make a decision about what to worry about first, I usually pick something I can make a change to like the cleaning or washing hahaha 🙂
    Love and thoughts and huge hugs xx

    1. What a lovely msg and sweet words – except I would never hit you if we met in person, I got a feeling we’d have a laugh and talk about Ewoks and cats (potentially me just talking here and not you) for ages! 😉 AND I totally get what you mean, I have a habit of winding myself up at times but I’m trying to improve on it by doing exactly what you suggest, acknowledging my worries and reasoning them out. I like your prioritizing trick though, sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the little things everything becomes one huge thing, I like the idea of just tackling the easiest thing to change and working my way through the thoughts.

      I think you’re right about Hubby, he is most definitely nervous as well as being excited. At the scan yesterday you could tell how relieved he was to find a heartbeat and almost stepped on the Doctor in his haste when she invited him to have a look on the screen!

      Thinking of you too, hopefully 2015 will be the year for both of us x

      1. You are totally right, we would gab on about Ewoks hahaha and I would suggest we go to the Cat Cafe that just opened up in Sydney. You have your tea and pet rescued kitties, how awesome is that!
        Yes, I do exactly that and then everything becomes this one huge mountain of worry that seems impassable. I hope the trick works for you, let me know.
        Hubby’s are good at hiding their freakout feelings from us, my Hubby does the same thing. When I had my breakdown the other week and he was all calm I remember turning to him and saying, “how can you be so calm about this? Don’t you have any feelings about this? Am I totally alone here with the feels?” He then explained that he had a whole bunch of feelings, but didn’t feel that they would help the situation so he didn’t share them hahaha. That is so cute about how excited he was to get to the screen.
        Thank you. I have my fingers crossed for both of us 🙂

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