Is that a loud, collective YES I hear? (Seriously, please don’t feel the need to actually answer this! I mean, don’t we all?)

Okay, here’s where I’m at. I’m thinking I might need to see a professional about making that doctors appointment to go on birth control.

I feel like I’ve had a little misplaced anger. I’m struggling with the thought of finally closing the pregnancy door but also with not doing it. As I’ve repeatedly mentioned, the thought of getting pregnant terrifies me. Actually, not just terrifies me but scares me to my core in a way I never thought was possible.

I have reached, perhaps inevitably, the feeling that if I got pregnant I would just lose the baby anyway. I know me and I know hope would naturally build should I see the positive test because that’s just how I roll. I’m a hopeful person in general, glass half full and all that. Yet, hoping for something that will more likely cause you the kind of heartbreak that threatens to destroy your whole world is not something I’m prepared to do.

I’ve worked hard to stay mentally capable of existing “normally”. I continue to talk to my parents, Hubby and some friends about stuff, pretty much daily. It’s still very raw for me what with due dates and anniversaries coming and going all over the place. I know I’m still in the midst of grief and probably will be for a while. It’s not necessarily grief about my losses, I mean, part of it always will be, but it’s grief about the future, about what should have been. Sometimes it’s easy to dwell on what I thought would be, my body’s limitations and the unfairness of it all.

One thing Hubby and I did talk about recently was if my first two losses had never happened, if I had delivered healthy children then Little Man may not be here. I doubt if we would have gone on to have a third child. This thought makes my heart beat faster. Seriously, the thought of Little Man not being here literally makes my heart thump loudly in my chest, so I know what was meant to be… is.

I think I still might need some kind of professional help in getting me over this last hurdle though.

Until next time,

Katie

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