So here I am again, taking time out in the bedroom. Hubby is watching the kids while I have a moment.
My head has been throbbing all day. I need a good cry. I feel so tired and emotionally and mentally drained. I’ve tried to keep busy today, actually it’s like my body couldn’t stop cleaning, cooking and doing stuff. Once I was made to physically slow down, by driving us all to playgroup, is when my thoughts drifted to the near future.
We were told yesterday by our pediatrician that surgery on Little Reds spine is a when not an if. Of course, deep down, we knew that already. Logically it’s pretty simple to work out that if one side of her spine has more vertebrae then no amount of bracing is going to change that fact. If we do nothing it’s going to grow longer and eventually cause major problems.
The scoliosis curve leans to the right, meaning that there is potential for her left hand organs – her heart and lung – to have limited space. Everything looks okay at the moment but once again, it needs to be monitored.
Basically her spine is fucked and it needs to be fixed. How? I don’t know. That’s above my pay grade.
Hearing that surgery is necessary from a professional makes it more real I guess, and that is what is making my head throb today.
To say Hubby and I are scared is a tad of an understatement. Someone asked me today how I’m handling it all. I replied that I don’t really know. You just get on with it and keep going. I reasoned that I’m the manager and support person in all this, that’s my job. My baby girl is actually the one going through it. But I know I’m kidding myself a bit with a certain level of denial about how difficult it all can be for us as parents.
I can’t wallow in self pity. And it’s true, there are others out there in much worse health situations than Little Red. Still, we can’t afford to drop the ball so that keeps me going. It’s also my duty as her mother to help her as much as I am able. She’s such a delightful little soul that some days seeing her smiling face or getting a cuddle makes it all seem so easy.
Still might need a big cry tonight though.