Is this just me who has done this? Hang on, scrap that question because I know it’s not. But for the first time ever I found myself experiencing a strange mixture of delight, shame and confusion. Actually, I have experienced it before when I ate a whole bucket of fried chicken during a particularly bad hangover day. Kidding. It was more like a large box.
Anyway, it all started days earlier when I was catching up on celebrity gossip and saw not one, not two, but three pregnancy announcements. Second child/sibling announcements to be exact. Now before I had Little Man I constantly saw pregnant women, now I see pregnant women with an existing child.
Then I was casually checking in on Facebook the next morning and BAM! It’s there in all it’s beautiful glory.
I told Hubby. He came over to have a look and then I cried. I cried hard. It was an instant reaction that I couldn’t keep in and that is a really weird thing for me because normally I can control my emotions pretty well.
I’m still trying to figure out what it is that shocked me so much and why I had that spontaneous response. You see, I am really, genuinely happy for my friend. Beyond happy. I cannot wait for her tummy to get big and to see her welcome a newborn into her life. I don’t feel bitter, jealous or like she owes me anything with the way she announced it and the reality is even if she told me in some other way my reaction would have been the same. So why did I cry?
I cried because it should have been me too. It should have been me making an announcement in the same fun way. It should have been me reading all the congratulatory messages. I should have made it to the second trimester.
My Dad says I think too much and maybe he’s right, after all he would know as we’re so alike. I can’t seem to get out of my head lately. I feel like I’ve accepted my miscarriages because there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I don’t know if I’ve accepted the fact that my baby making days are over though.
That’s the first time I’ve really said it like that… my baby making days are over.
And that right there, my friend, is something to cry about.
Until next time,