So, as you know, the past few weeks have been particularly difficult. I’ve noticed inanimate objects ganging up on me by not working, throwing themselves out of my hands and/or generally refusing to play ball. Sometimes you really need a win and my win is getting through the day without feeling like salt is being rubbed into the wound.

Cue me blogging and upon seeing that I’m close to my media limit decided to delete some photos. For some reason there is no warning that it would delete the pictures from my posts and so I happily got rid of months worth. Hence the reason my blog isn’t looking as pretty as normal. For some reason this didn’t even occur to me as I got my OCD on and clicked away, permanently getting rid of my precious memories.

To say I took this realisation hard is an understatement. I felt like crying. My heart started pumping away. I just couldn’t take another loss, another hit, another reason to feel inadequate, a failure.

I shut off the computer and consciously made an effort to ignore what I’d done. It wasn’t until I was talking to Hubby later that evening when I voiced how much of an idiot I felt and that I just couldn’t believe another thing had gone wrong that I considered my overreaction. Again, I decided to completely shut it out of my mind and simply go to bed without fixating on the fact I’ll have to rework all my posts, knowing this isn’t how I’d normally react. Yes I’d be annoyed and make WordPress my nemesis but it wouldn’t reduce me to tears or have such a hit on my confidence.

I woke up the next morning feeling better about the whole thing. Like I had more energy to face re-adding the photos and choosing to accept the fact that at least I’d learnt something and that I get to see my pictures again.

Sounds silly doesn’t it? How losing some photos from my blog – not even my hard-drive – could sap my strength away.

Grief will do that but I’m feeling stronger, day by day, especially after writing this post and choosing to go one way over another. I’m not a victim and I refuse to think like one. The world is not against me and I’m 95% 90% certain WordPress isn’t either. I’m not going to tell myself to snap out of these feelings because I know where they’re coming from and I need to feel them otherwise I’ll feel nothing. Having an emotion is a step forward, it means I’m not trapped in the state of denial that holds me in the weeks after losing a baby. I try to always see the positive after focusing on the negative, even if it’s only a small portion of the overall experience.

After all, there is no guide book to getting through this…

Until next time,

Katie

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4 comments

  1. First, I’m not exactly sure how you managed to delete your photos, but I think you can go back to old drafts of the same post. At the bottom of the screen. Maybe you can just open an old post and go back to what you had before? (I’m not a computer wiz or a wordpress expert, so I cannot send to many other suggestions).
    Second, your post today was very timely and an important reminder – so thank you. We have the choice how we handle the good and the bad, I have said this many times and will continue to. I firmly believe we may not be able to change the circumstances we have been dealt, but we absolutely are responsible for our actions. And this post reminded me that I need to do a better job of putting things into perspective. Thank you again.

    1. I looked at WordPress help where it has a very clear paragraph that should you be foolish enough to delete your photos they’re gone forever and ever. It’s funny, it doesn’t really bother me anymore but for the whole of that day I just felt like crying every time I thought about it. I really think it’s just a different perspective and I’m choosing to worry about the big stuff and not let the little stuff get me down. I love that sentence about our choice as to how we handle the good and the bad, it’s a great motto for life really. Thanks for your lovely comment, I’m so glad it was timely for you 🙂

  2. It’s funny how we can flip out about one thing, when really it’s another thing that we’re upset about. So glad you’re feeling stronger day by day, but still allowing yourself the freedom to feel the emotions you need to feel. Hope re-adding your photos was not too arduous!

    1. I know what you mean. I’ve been thinking of the term “misplaced anger” a lot lately. Seems so appropriate! Thanks, it’s an uphill battle (as you know) but I’ll get there x

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