I know what I want to say in this post but I don’t want to write it because it’s difficult to actually verbalise.

You see, the word “can’t” isn’t usually in my vocabularly. I don’t like to say it about myself, it makes me feel weak. If I “can’t do something” then I’ll learn. I’ll do it, there is no such thing as using the word as an excuse in my life.

However, lately, I’ve been admitting that I can’t do something and that something is to have another baby.

I find myself in a place where I have to acknowledge it is most definitely not going to happen. If someone could guarantee me that after six or twelve months of naturopathy, accupuncture and fertility meds that I would get pregnant and nine months later hold a healthy baby in my arms then I wouldn’t hesitate. Twelve months of hell for a baby? No problem. Except, I can’t be guaranteed that.

I recently heard myself admit to friends that “I can get pregnant but I can’t keep them”. This kind of hit me and I had to break eye contact and quickly compose myself. That sentence, that word.

I. Can’t. Keep. Them.

And yet I did. Once. A miracle. My world. My Little Man.

But that doesn’t change the here and now. The fact that I have to go on birth control due to my PCOS means I am firmly closing that door. The day I get my prescription will be one that takes the wind out of me.

Oh how I wish I could be one of those people that could just wait and see what happens but no. The journey of infertility and losing four babies doesn’t create enough grief for people like me so one last sucker punch to the heart is in order.

Combine this with a few pregnancy announcements and it’s like falling overboard into the salted sea with a huge open wound that is your entire body.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay. I just need a big cry before I make that doctors appointment.

Until next time,

Katie

5 comments

  1. I’m so sorry. I don’t really know what else to say other than that. My heart hurt for you reading this post. I too have one miracle baby, so I can relate to you 100% in that sense. Will you have to be on BCP indefinitely? It’s so unfair that you have to close the door so firmly. Sending hugs and peace to you.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind message, I am grateful for the support. The only reason to come off BCP would be to TTC again so yeah, pretty much indefinitely. I’m sorry to hear of what’s happening for you as well (((hugs))).

  2. I am so sorry you are in this situation and making this decision. I suspect you will need a big cry before the appointment, maybe at the appointment, and once you have the birth control pills and start taking them. It’s hard, I won’t lie. Wishing you as much peace as possible through this process.

    1. Thank you for you lovely message. As always, very grateful for the support. I read your recent post about the BCP matter and (again) a story of yours has given me strength – even though it was heartbreaking to read at the same time. We are one brave community I’ll say that. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to know what we know or to experience what we have.

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