Yesterday was a strange day. I did set up a paint station for Little Man which was a huge thing in itself because even doing that feels overwhelming. It felt good until he spilt paint all over the carpet. And I cried as I cleaned it up. Like proper cried. Like sobbing with my face inches from the ground, drool hanging out my mouth, eyes screwed up kinda’ cried. The kind of crying where you just know you look really attractive.

My heart swung low when the guilt set in that my boy is actually witnessing this scene, but I couldn’t stop. He didn’t seem to mind though and just kept on painting as I scrubbed at his feet. In a way that was for the best, a big reaction would have made me feel even more guilty.

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I pulled myself together and realised that “hey, I’ve cried!”. I’ve not really done that since the girls were born.

After I was shown a painting of our house, I put on some Jamiroquai, sang my little heart out and baked brownies. I then danced with each of my girls as I waited for them to be ready. I used to do that with Little Man all the time and it felt wonderfully nostalgic.

Then it was time for lunch and some quiet, my emotions still fragile but generally holding strong. As my babies slept, Fen in her cot, the other two on me, I felt true content. THIS is me. I remember this person who got real pleasure from interacting with her children and who could actually FEEL things. Today wasn’t just about going through the motions.

When my boy woke we chatted and I explained how I’ve been feeling sick and that I’m sorry if I’ve been snappy. He looked at me, obviously processing what I was saying. He asked if I see the doctor, the one with the fish in the waiting room. I said yes as well as another doctor for a short while until I get better. He asked if I had an ouchy and I replied yes, my voice breaking slightly. Then he kissed my arm. This amazingly tender gesture made my heart skip a beat.

So I guess you could say it was a funny kind of day. I bet it sounds weird to hear someone say they’re happy and relieved to have finally cried. But you don’t know how beautiful your true feelings are until you’ve lost them to numbness. I think I might be on the first rung of the ladder to get me out of the PND black hole, and that’s invigorating. Love K x

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