I found this post in my drafts and it looks like I originally wrote it in early February. So much has changed since then but these pictures show an insight into a period of time that I could, one day, end up forgetting. I could forget the feelings of excitement, anxiety, hope and uncertainty when trying for Little Man and Yogi. I could forget the daily rituals and silent wishes. I could forget the note that stayed on my bedside table that I wrote to myself telling me that I will have another baby. Time and life makes us forget but I don’t want to. Yes, it was not an easy time but it’s a big part of who I am, so I have decided to publish the post as I found it…

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This post will be primarily photographs. I think. As I start writing this it seems a bit difficult to continue with such a private issue for me, what I will say is this is what I see, do, take, touch and research most days. Not as obsessively as before Little Man came but it’s in my thoughts regularly.

I seem to have the full support of Oscar and all the neighbourhood cats, even though it could potentially mean two redheaded children running after them and grabbing their tails.

A dear friend gave me the fertility doll, after sweetly asking if it would offend me. I kept her in my wardrobe because Oscar took an interest in her headdress with his mouth. I’d give her head a rub in the morning and when I got home from work and not long after doing all of this, I fell pregnant with Little Man. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was me being able to put faith into something or maybe it helped on a magical level. All I know is that she is back in full view with me doing the same ritual.

Until next time,

Katie

8 comments

  1. I know exactly how you are feeling, I have the rituals, I pray to my loved ones up above each night asking for help (I realise the creepiness of this and am actually planning to post on it later). I pray for time to go to more doctors appointments because working full time and trying to deal with infertility is just draining BS! A week ago I was seriously Googling fertility pendants, teas, etc. I am considering acupuncture, to be honest I am at the point where I would stand on my head until I passed out after sex if I thought it would work LOL. 3 years of trying and about to turn 31 makes you kinda desperate I guess.
    Yesterday for the first time I said the words out loud, “I don’t think we are going to have children”. My Husband talks about when we have kids this and that all the time and I am honestly starting to think that it is not going to happen. So I said it out loud and then I cried, a lot. Saying that for the first time out loud hurt πŸ™‚ But it could be our reality, who knows.

    1. Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply… I totally understand about the time issue. We conceived Little Man while I was working full time and I did acupuncture and natural medicine combined with modern fertility stuff so I had weekly appointments plus so much stuff to take morning and night. Trying to fit it all in is hard and sometimes I wish we could be one of those couples that say “we’ll just try and see what happens” or “we’re not NOT trying” etc. Good on you for voicing something out loud even though it’s a very painful thought. I think voicing and crying helps a lot to get the hurt out because it is such an emotional thing to be going through. I really hope it happens for you (((hug))).

      1. Thanks for the hugs πŸ™‚
        Did you think acupuncture made a difference? I am really interested in it because I am a Science and Health Liaison Librarian and one of the big areas in the Uni is Chinese Medicine, it is a big area of the school and there are units on fertility and acupuncture so obviously academia believes in it πŸ™‚ I am somewhat scared of needles though haha.

        1. YES!!! It helped for sure even though I was quite skeptical to begin with. I actually tried the natural route after my second miscarriage and I managed to ovulate around every 40 days (my cycle is normally once a year). When I hadn’t got pregnant after several months I introduced modern medicine and continued with the natural stuff. The day I saw my OBGYN and she said she “thought” I was going to ovulate but didn’t want to guarantee it I went straight for an acupuncture appt where she really “worked the needles!”. I got pregnant with my son this first go. I think because the acupuncture just complimented the clomid. At the very least I think it got my body ready but I continued this method during my last period of trying and had a chemical pregnancy in Feb and a positive test (that ended in miscarriage) in April. I strongly believe it helped and I would encourage anyone trying to conceive to find a good naturopath and acupuncturist who specilises in fertility. They don’t hurt and you won’t even feel the needles πŸ™‚

          1. I’d be interested to know how you go. Fingers crossed but it sounds like you’re at the stage I was and happy to try anything πŸ™‚

          2. To be honest I am at the point where I feel like I need a month off of work to be able to get to all the appointments I need to, but I can’t afford that hahaha. Most people can’t πŸ™‚
            I am at the bargaining stage of prayer, I am like, “guys if you hook me up with a foetus I will totally knit a tonne of scarves for the footpath Library” hahaha.

          3. Yeah, it really can get overwhelming, especially when you’re working and doing the daily things that need doing like cleaning and food shopping. I remember some days I’d do a whole day at work then have my acupuncture appointment so I wouldn’t get home until late. Then taking all the stuff, tracking temps and reading Dr Google about my chances of conceiving.. man, I can’t believe I fit it all in! But I still highly recommend it. It felt positive to be doing something and having faith it might work before taking the “big” step of modern fertility treatment.

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