Hospitals never used to bother me. The Mothership is a nurse and I have memories of visiting her at work. I’ve also never really been sick so I guess there’s that too. But now, now I hate going.

It’s fair to say I’ve had my fill of hospitals and doctors appointments for this year. Just when I thought we might be starting to space out visits they have been increased. Fen has a dodgy hip so we need weekly physio and potentially braces, I’m hoping we can avoid an operation. My back has been bad since the spinal block (which is another story altogether) so my obgyn has referred me to the post operative team.

While I’m obviously grateful to receive treatment and have medical facilities available to me AND I’m fully aware “there are people worse off than me”, I’m also a big believer in that you should be able to air frustrations guilt free. It’s societies way of constantly telling us to be grateful for what we have that makes many people not say anything and internalise everything. You become fearful of being shutdown or targeted for having an honest meltdown. Well, I’m not staying silent today, raw emotions don’t work that way.

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While I have my much longed for miracle children I’m also allowed to say that being a NICU mum completely sucked. The fact my babies aren’t all tickedy-boo is beyond awful. I’m allowed to say that I wish I could have had a normal birth and just come home and that was that. What I’m feeling is normal and I’m not ashamed of that. It’s okay for me to rant and rave, get it out and move on. It’d be weird if I didn’t cry about it or if the brave facade didn’t slip occasionally. I’d move mountains for my children, I’d run uphill forever knowing that I may never reach the top, but I can’t be strong all the time. I need to say that I do what I gotta’ do but it’s overwhelming at times. I’m frustrated with how much we’ve been impacted mentally, physically and financially. I’m annoyed that I wish away time waiting for things regarding my girls health and development instead of simply enjoying their first year.

Sometimes I just need to write a post like this so I can relieve some pressure. I then take a deep breath and compose myself before the next appointment. K x

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