I’ve been focusing a lot on 2015 starting and less on what 2014 has been like. The one good thing throughout the whole year was Little Man, everything else seemed to fall apart somewhat.
Pregnancies aside, the house decided to breakdown with numerous appliances choosing awkward moments to cark it (yes washer machine with my underwear in it I’m talking about you). We had a small claims court case which was thankfully resolved and monies owed plus compensation was awarded to us and I had a job offer which fell through after most of the finer details had been worked out.
The week before Christmas saw Hubby in an accident on a stormy night involving a spooked dog, 100k an hour and a caved in bumper. Luckily no one was injured or it becoming more serious. Health aside it was still a $600 excess for our insurance. Since these things come in threes I obviously expected the worse and developed an air of Final Destination about me – until the oven broke for the third time this year on Christmas Eve. Oh, and then the dishwasher decided to stop playing nice a few days later.
So you see, our 2014 has been awful. I’m not even going to talk about the fertility treatment and miscarriages but it’s been tough, emotionally and financially. Lately it’s been easy for the build up of things to feel like personal acts of cruelty, and I’ve been getting down on myself so very quickly. This isn’t normally like me which is how I know my grief is very much still present.
As much as I can only see a little light from the past year I am determined to fixate on that. The fact I did get pregnant and spent a few months happily so. The amazing trips to New Zealand and Byron Bay and the memories we made as a family. The knowledge I’m not as dumb as I sometimes feel what with the frenzied cramming for my university exam and the miracle of passing. Hubby’s career keeps going from strength to strength and I’m so very proud of him for managing to excel in every aspect in spite of the losses he’s endured, not to mention coming home to an extremely fragile wife at times. And lastly, Little Man. Without him I’m not sure I could have survived 2014 but the countless photos I have of his smiling face proves we did have some good times and maybe we managed to shield him from quite a lot too.
I wrote the pictured quote a week before Christmas after a particularly hard day. I was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of continuing my education, if the course I’m on is really what I want to do. I was homesick. I was bloated. I was missing my parents. But then, I looked in on Little Man like I normally do before taking myself to bed and I just felt so complete. I looked at his little legs, his arms, his bed-hair, his peaceful sleeping face and I knew that I had to have something good in me to have created him. I thought about the way he looks at me in the mornings like he’s missed me so much during the night. The way he runs towards me with his arms outstretched when he gets home after he’s been out with his dad. The fact he needs me. I considered how confused and upset he would be to hear his mothers derogatory thoughts to herself and I vowed to pull myself together and be kinder to myself. Most of all I agreed to try and let the hurt and bitterness go before it destroys me. I will try to accept what is, instead of what should have been and acknowledge that although the grief is there it doesn’t need to consume me, it can make me a better person.
Sometimes my heart feels so, so broken but I realised that there is always a part of it that beats just for him. That is pure and intact and never ending. The darkness doesn’t touch it, it never could, it never will.
We have each other and that is what I take from my 2014.